THIS IS MY LIFE...LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT

good bye 2010

2010-12-31T21:37:00.003-05:00

my last post of the year...
what a year, what a decade...i graduated college and grad school...poppy got sick...almost died twice and lost his leg...but he's here...my grandson was born...my mom is still my ride or die...i've moved three times...choclahontas has moved out and is living her own life and has survived her early twenties by the grace of god...MMB has grown and is now a wonderful and smart 16 year old...love has escaped me but i'm completely over the idiot...however i did find happiness, if even for a moment and i will cherish that till the day i die...i've remained healthy and have lost weight...my sister has had some major ups and downs but remains on her feet...
i look forward to the new year and the new decade...i wonder what the creator is going to send my way...
have a happy new year for those out there...i hope the year brings all joy and happiness, wealth and health, peace and compassion...
till next year...

2010-12-28T11:16:00.002-05:00

yeah so I'm walking away...i can't and won't change folks minds...i know why he does what he does...and yes the physical connection is an issue, more for him than me...but it's all good...he is a step closer to the complete package...but honestly i promise im not doing this shit again...i just can't...and won't...
i knew it was done when i insulted him...it gets to a point where you want to lash out...i don't like that point...cause then i want to explain and apologize...then i dig a deeper hole and start acting out of character...i become whiney and naggy and that's not me...idiot got me to that point...i hated it but i so wanted to explain myself but he didn't care...i find that folks then hold on to that and miss the bigger picture...
so i walk...i loved hard, enjoyed myself, will love my memories, but it's put in a box and up on a shelf...next...

i can't deal with my sisters situation...i just can't...but im there for her so i have to buck up and face it...cause that's what sisters do...sigh...

but overall my life is good and im happy...i will always look on the bright side...i will not let the negative suck me under....there is so much negative in the world i will not contribute to the madness...

it snowed...it was absolutely beautiful...the world was white and silent...makes me long for the country...i really want to see vermont in the winter...i know it's harsh but i want to experience it...

so that's it for the day...i have no great thoughts or reflections...im just living and am glad i woke up this morning...

omg omg...

2010-12-22T19:40:00.002-05:00

...life is so full of ups and downs, ins and outs..,
i had two really good conversations with the bear...i love him...and im gonna love him...even if we don't ever have a relationship...he gave me great things...he made me see things about myself...and the time we spent was something ive always wanted and totally enjoyed...i will cherish our time together with no sad, bitter, or angry feelings...it wasn't lust, but true love...i'm so blessed to have had this at least once in my life...
i can't and won't speak for him but i believe that despite what he says there is a twinkle in his heart as well...i just hope fear doesn't hold him back...cause i know i can, and will, give him the pure joy he gives me...but if it's not to be then it's ok...cause the memory will live with me forever...and i'm ok with that...
it's funny, i'm not sad...really...my heart is full of joy and happiness...regardless of what happens...except for the first day i really haven't cried...i just celebrate the time we shared...the pure beauty of it...

love is a funny thing...it can be something that passes in a flash...it can be long lasting...but i feel love is based on trust and friendship...being there...sharing commonalities...the first person you call when____________...you fill in the blank...it's not about sex, or lust, that comes later...but feeling true comfort and peace when you are in the presence of that person...sometimes you feel is for your best friend or your partner...but it's for us to open our heart...once love is established, the passion will follow...

my sister is having one of the worst times in life she's ever had...i feel for her but there is absolutely nothing i can do to help make her situation better...but i know in my heart the creator will come through in the 24th hour...he didn't bring us this far to have us fail or fall...

my life is bipolar

2010-12-18T07:52:00.002-05:00

one day im happy, next day im sad...the common thread however is anger...
im very amenable and generally go with the flow but i realize i hate when folks make a decision for me without consulting me and impose that decision...
bear is not the end all and be all...he has a lot of issues...issues that i questioned i could live with...but we both wanted the same things, liked the same things, and seemed to have a genuine connection...but he made a decision that he didn't have a spark...so what about me...guess that didn't fit into the equation...
i don't like being rejected, mostly because even when i have to reject someone i never do it to hurt their feelings, or put them down, or make then question themselves...

but it's funny what folks say they want, and what they actually want...i really hate when folks contradict themselves...but im not one to skew things to make me look good or like the victim, even on a blog that no one reads...
bear said he wanted love, companionship, a strong smart woman...he did tell me early on that he didn't feel "that way" about me...but as time went on that seemed to change...then he told me sorry I don't feel "that way" and never will...but what pisses me off was prior to that he was telling me otherwise...verbally and by his actions...
he told me to open...be me...he would be there...well that shit was a lie...thank god we didn't consummate the relationship cause i think i would totally go off on him...
but i hate liars...and once i see you are lying i really have short patience for you...but most of all i hate to be rejected, especially when i was being the best me possible while retaining me...i didn't become what he wanted, or what i thought he wanted...i stayed me...
but that's my issue not with bear, but with myself and the creator...

im mostly mad at the creator for having love and companionship pass me by...im in my forties and i don't think i will find love...true love...by this point folks have kids, baggage, issues...they have learned and perfected game playing, lying and manipulation to get what they want...i will have no parts of it...
but all i wanted in life was what my parents had...48 years of someone you could be your true self with...someone who would stand in your corner no matter how bad you acted...someone who you trust with your life...cause i know i would give that person that plus more...
but the creator had other plans...he made sure my kids grew up without a father...that i struggled alone financially and emotionally...that i faced each day or problem alone...fending for myself...

i don't think i deserve this shit...im a good person...no matter what i give my best to each person i meet and deal with...i believe when no one else does...i try my hardest to be the best person possible for me and my girls...but apparently that didn't win any points with the creator...
cause here i am...dumped...again...not good enough...

so life moves on...i will dwell, aspire, and continue to be the best me possible...i will continue to grow and achieve but i will tell you this...i was happy being by myself...i can't take the stress of the emotional roller coaster of relationships...so i happily will sit on the rock and sun myself by myself...this way i don't have to deal with this bullshit...

is happy...

2010-12-15T12:04:00.002-05:00

im glad i decided to fight for love...sometimes i pretend to like folk, or love folk but what i felt this last time was nothing i ever felt before...it was confusing, strange, comforting, peaceful...
i decided that i was going to love...regardless...im not saying it's all peaches and cream but our last few times together makes me happy that i fought for love...but this fight is not about win or lose, but about acknowledging a feeling that is undeniable...
i'm not foretelling the future, im just going to live one day at a time...and hopefully i will look up and ten years would have past...
but today i love the belly laughs, the songs, the movies, the peace when we are together, the stories, the knowledge, the flow of energy, the knowing what the other is feeling...im not going to worry about tomorrow...

arrrgh....

2010-12-10T11:51:00.002-05:00

i wish folks were like me...when im mad i yell curse...i get it all out so folks can respond...we can figure it out together...but when it's over, it's over...im done...i hate having the same argument over and over again...if we keep talking bout the same shit that means 1. we're not right for each 2.the communication is really not good 3.it's time to move on...
im too old to be trying to change folks mind to see my point...even if i am right...smh...

so im moving on...i like bear but i think he's right...there is no spark...i like him for what i like him for but i need touch and cuddles...shit i've been with guys who are into me and i can tell the difference...it sucks that he didn't give it a chance but hey, the creator sent him into my life i trust that the creator will send in someone just as special if not waaaaay better...the bear was a dress rehearsal for better things to come...

but as he did nothing terrible...well, he showed his natural ass as did i, but in the grand scheme of things it was very mild...i will remain his friend...we all need good friends in this cold ass world...

so that ends that chapter...

next...

a few months ago i turned down a job due to the poor pay...they called me this week to offer me a higher position paying waaaay more money...i actually like the organization but couldn't stomach the pay...so im actually hoping this works out...and im still considering getting a second masters in special education...i know so much about special needs children...

as far as my love life...i have one boyfriend a year...ugh...it takes me months to recover and realize that all men arn't asshole...sigh...but they are...sigh again...anywho...glad that's out of the way...next time i think ima stick to my first mindset which is NO MEN...NO RELATIONSHIPS...i'm really happy when im by myself...no drama, no emotions, no bullshit...

ahhhhhhh...back to peace and doing me...

hey blog

2010-12-09T10:25:00.002-05:00

life is moving...i'm so confused by the bear, his actions, my feelings that i'm just going to let it flow...it will either empty into a pond where it will be stagnant or into the ocean, full of life, adventure, ups and downs...

sometimes i feel things...things that i know are not me...i act out these feelings wondering why in the hell im doing this...but it's not me...i become a vehicle for others...allowing them to express/act in ways that they are afraid to, unable to, or just not conscious of...

this is why i make a hella therapist

but in my personal life its hard...this is a gift from the creator...not something i chose, or like or most times want to deal with...

with the idiot i KNEW it wasn't me...but he would tell me "that's you with that shit", "you're being dramatic" or "you are imaging things"...but i was right...down to the minute...so now im hyper vigilant...the struggle then becomes am i feeling this because im digging? thinking too hard? or is this really it...

like my sister said, i see the red elephant and i can't understand why no one else see's it...smh...but being a therapist i know i can't make anyone see it...they have to see and acknowledge it on their own...

so if im so great why is my life not the best ever you might ask...the answer is because i need that person who sees my red elephant...i see him but don't always acknowledge...that folks is the dialectic of life...we need others...we can't do this alone...no matter how much we think we can...

bear saw my red elephant...i really appreciate the things he showed me...talked about...make me look at myself and my interactions...how my need and want to care hampered the people i was trying to care for...

so it's ok if we don't work...trust he was not perfect...however i cherish the lessons and time...i just find it odd that i won't let go without a fight...usually i just walk away...turn off the faucet and keep it moving...but for some reason i feel like this is something i don't wanna let go of...
its not cause im getting older, or im lonely, or i feel this is my last gas...cause none of these things are true...i can't explain it...its a driving force...is it him? me? idk...

but i'm not destroyed...i just shake my head that folks don't see what they have...now im FAR from perfect but i know im a good person and i know that he gives me what i want and i can give him what he says he wants...by me just being me...unless he really wants something else...i consciously live my life that way...like the white witch in Alice in Wonderland...i strongly believe that what you put out comes back on you double...

sis says im working too hard...that is should be easy...it's not hard...but sometimes folks just need to trust that folks will not turn their back...especially if it's something that's happened to them all their life...
should people like that never get love? cause is takes a little effort? i don't think so...i believe everyone deserves love and happiness...it doesn't cost a thing...

so these are my thoughts for the day...

I have decided....

2010-12-06T21:45:00.003-05:00

...that i really like NOT dating...folks these days are so full of game and bullshit...they say they're not, but lord in the sky they are...game...
i've never been a game player and will never play THE game or a game...take me as i am or leave me the hell alone...
i really don't wanna make this post or my blog a grip vehicle but sheesh folks annoy me...
and the joke is i always figure it out...i know the game and intention behind the game and the action...smh...
so for those who think you got over...you didn't...the last laugh is on you cause i know the dirt behind the dirt...the real reason...the things you're hiding and gappling with...

sadness....

2010-11-27T20:16:00.002-05:00

i'm not even sure I want to bear my soul on this blog...I live life outloud but i have a funny way of not revealing what I really feel inside...

things came to a crashing end with me and the bear...i'm so so sad...but being ever hopeful i pray that it can be resolved and we can get back together...
he says there is no spark...he tried to give it time, but the spark never happened and never will...however he loves spending time with me, i'm a beautiful person, etc etc...

im confused...

im refraining from analyzing the problem and taking him and his words at face value, although i strongly believe otherwwise...

there are private things i wont disclose here but i will say that he thought i was angry at him and believed i was going to dump him...so he dumped me before i could break up with him...i understand...cause i do the same thing...

after texts back and forth...more from me than from him...i was able to see him to face to face...i didn't want to cause all my feelings came tumbling out...we sat in the car and i talked and cried for an hour in front of his job...something i told him i didn't want to do but he insisted...he listened and the few times he talked his voice was husky (I refused to look at him)...I told him that he was something special and even if we never talked or saw each other again i was totally grateful for the time we spent together and would have love in my heart always...he wanted to hear this...i truly did not want to share...I told him i wanted our last night to be as beautiful as our first...I did not want to end a beautiful friendship with yelling, anger and bad feeling...I wanted to sit by the water but it was sunset and we would not have made the park before it closed...i suggested we go to eat and he chose the place we had our first meal...after dinner he told me that we would go out the following week...I'm am trying so hard to not text him and so far I'm successful...i only texted him once...and stalked his fb page onetwothree times...lol...

so i'm taking it day by day...life does move on and if it's not ment to be i will be ok...cause i know the creator closes a door but opens a window...i also believe that our life path is pre-written but we always have a choice of path to take at every turn...I'm confident that it will work out...so i know that if i lose a bear I will gain what and who i need...but i like the bear...

but on another note, I've determined that the internet and facebook in particular is a very dangerous thing...bear and i had our misunderstanding but it was between us...but with facebook the situation got blown out of proportion...he made comments, i made comments, he deleted me and my family, i deleted all his pictures and he deleted mine...but the issue with fb is that is real easy to act in the heat of the moment, to write how you feel in 160 characters from the safety of your bed, office, phone, computer...once you post or delete it's done...and everyone knows it...i check his page, im sure he doesn't check mine, but i wont ever friend him...i think its the best if we do have a relationship in the future...

i don't know what to do...

2010-07-20T13:09:00.002-04:00

...i'm two paychecks away from disaster...i have a car note, car insurance, high rent, a loan at the credit union that need immediate attention...unemployment wont cover it...i have a job but they are dragging their feet giving me cases...
so i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to make money...i've worked for myself before and i'm not scared...i owned a beauty salon and i did family day care...i actually like doing family daycare and being a social worker i have an advantage...BUT, and there is almost always a but, my apt won't qualify...it's too small and i live on the second floor of a walk-up...
so i could not pay rent and move to an acceptable apt...hustle for the few months it will take to get my business online...
with my experience with children, especially delayed children I can really give the kids something...and parents will pay...
i don't want to rely on other people...i hate it...
so that's my thought for the day...

time...

2010-07-16T16:51:00.003-04:00

i look up and it's been weeks since i last posted...time sure does fly...
i love my bear...he told me to not say those words cause it puts him under pressure to say it and he's not ready...i told him i don't care if he feels it or not but i love him as a friend and companion...we've been friends, talking on a daily basis and hanging out, for about four months...according to him we've been "talking" "dating" "seeing each other" for a month...but i knew he was my soul mate on our bearhunts in nature...he took me to the most beautiful spots...
i'm good for making folk my soulmate or "falling in love" cause i wanted too...i know i did this...but with him it just happened...out the freaking blue...trust me i was not thinking about this dude...not at all...i met him about two to three years ago at bigbears show- he sang- and i didn't give him a second look...don't even think i talked to him...
this guy is kind, caring, considerate...yes he's a slight pain in the ass and but in a good way and totally not perfect...but his qualities totally outweigh anything that is not "perfect"...
but most of all my kids approve...mmb especially...and she' a tough audience...lol...

so that's where my life stands...look like i'm getting this job that pays ahellamore than the charter school and i think i will like it better...there are a few things i need to master but overall im comfortable...

so all in all i have no complaints...thank you Lord...

water

2010-07-07T12:54:00.004-04:00

as water is ever changing
so is my life

water ebbs and flows
so do my feelings

water envelopes
surrounds you
with soft
but strong
current

that's how
i will be
for you
surrounding you with love
holding you close
with strong arms

water can be destructive
but without it
we will die

water can be tamed
but at the same time
leak out at will
doing what it wants

same as love
touch
feeling
ebbing
flowing

water is a necessity
just like love

water is beautiful
as you are

change

2010-07-07T12:42:00.002-04:00

is scary as hell...and when it comes at you all at once it's just down right terrifying...and it's coming at me at once...
bear is helping me with change...he lets me know that I deserve a life, to be happy...yes sister tells me that as does bigbear, but they're supposed to say that...they are family (even tho my fam does not hold their tongue)
bigbear is handling poppy and his stuff...chocolahontas is so far away i can't bail run to her rescue and bail her out...MMB is happy as shit that i'm not interfering with her life as much...
so where does that leave me? i feel like i don't have a purpose in life...my family does not need me...bear won't let me do for him or his daughter...i feel so useless and unloved...cause if i'm not providing why would folks wanna be around me?
but i do have a lot to offer the world i know...and maybe now is the time where i can put a hundred percent into my work, my teaching...loving the people around me...
my family accepts me cause they have too, but what's strange but wonderful is bear accepts me to...oh yes, i do annoy him, don't get it twisted, but we talk about it...he is so wise beyond his years...
so on this extremely hot day i ponder the changes in my life...for the first time ever in my life i am going away for the weekend, leaving behind my family...i will celebrate my day of fasting away from my family...
for the first time in life i have someone who, in the four months I've been dealing with them, has not changed, has stayed true to their word...
for the first time in life i am free to be me...craziness and all...me...
change is powerful, good, scary...i'm having to make new relationships and changes...to let go, to relinquish power, authority...to let others change and grow...
but surprisingly i am not too scared of change with bear by my side...in his straightforward way he puts it bluntly on the table...much in the way i do with others...i often can't argue with him cause he's right...
so slowly i am accepting the changes in my life...allowing someone else to be in charge...trusting that all will make good decisions and i won't have to pick up the pieces...
change is good...healthy...and i'm slowly embracing it...

it's been a month

2010-07-04T14:18:00.002-04:00

and so much has happened...chocolahontas had to run for her life with the clothes on her back...but bad things happen for good reasons...she's in a shelter in a secure undisclosed location (i don't even know where she is) and she's good...learning things that she had a hard time grasping...spending lots and lots of quality time with her son...for the first time ever...
MMB is growing into a wonderful young lady...she's kind of in the rebellious stage but in comparison to most i can't complain...
the job ended...ugh...i won't even go into that...i'm on a mini paid vacation but hopefully my new job will start in the next week or two...
my bear...he's growing to like me as much as i like him...and i like him lots...he's the first that ive really gotten to know before i "claimed" him...i'm not pretending to like him and i don't have to make him into what i want him to be...he is...yes he has his issues, as do i, and can sometimes be annoying with the little things...but it's nothing that i would want to leave him for...i can see myself with him for a very long time...

2010-06-05T21:36:00.002-04:00

I deleted bear but he was not having it...at all...refriended me within hours...and was pissed...shit...me and my rash moments...i hope i didn't ruin anything...
i do things sometimes...i have a legitimate rationale but it hurts folks...i hate to hurt folks...even an ant...i hate to cause pain...even at my own expense...yeah, i know i need to stop that...it's a hard habit to break...

anyway...i have an interview on monday...really like what's posted but may have an issue with losing the school calendar and the six weeks of vacation...damn...

but no investigation no right to speak...im going in with a clean mind...no preconceived notions...

bear...omg...i LIKE him...i really have never liked a person so much...i can make myself like someone...that's why i can dump them with no afterthought cause i didn't like them to begin with...but i LIKE him...and from this last thing and the things he told me i cautiously will say he likes me too...he is everything (so far) i wanted idiot to be...i NEVER had someone who liked the woods like me...who was ok watching bunnies and deer in the meadow...

I pray this works out...yes, im admitting it...no one is to mention this in real life...please...i'm in emotional turmoil as it is...

well i'll let you know how it goes...

2010-06-03T19:38:00.003-04:00

i like writing on my blog...it's ok that i have no followers and probably no one reads it...but i can write and reread...it's my therapy...
usually when i don't write is when things are rocky...i keep my thoughts in my head...but when i die no one will be able to open my head and get my thoughts out so i'm trying to put things on paper...

i guess this comes from when i was a little girl...i love my fam but i remember being teased for crying or being upset...in a fun not mean way, but i didn't like it none the less...or having it thrown in my face later...if i had a moment, let it lay...i know what i did and i don't need to be reminded...
so anywho, when im feeling the most shitty i tend to disappear...right in your face...

i know that other people have it worse, but this is my reality...what i live with...fuck other people cause my reality sucks...i don't wanna hear well it's bad and then hear their story...i wanna vent, be upset, and maybe get some empathy...just for a moment...but that never happens so i do it for myself...
but sitting in bed, in the quiet, i hopefully can put down what i'm thinking...without having to explain myself, wondering and worrying that i'm hurting feelings...

so today i feel like a total failure...today...tomorrow i might feel differently...but tonite as i sit in my bed i feel this way...for a moment i don't wanna look on the bright side...cause that bitch looks mighty cloudy...my job sucks ass and is ending in three weeks...i will get paid for an additional two paychecks then im in deep shit...i have a credit union loan that pulls 250 a month...i have a car loan that's 350 a month, which i'm beginning to see i can't afford the car..but who's gonna buy it?...plus rent that's 1258...i don't want a hand out or even someone to bail me out or as i joke a husband just to pay half the rent...i just want a fucking job that pays enough to cover my bills...one job...i'm so tired of working three and four jobs to make ends meet...i went to school...i have a masters...a license...two licenses for crying out loud and that shit seems like it means nothing...

so bossbitch hired a young white social worker...now i'm not prejudiced at all...matter of fact i actually hate everyone equally...lol...but i take folks as they come...but this "afrocentric" black chick threw me under the bus for a young white chick...damn...what does that mean? i feel like my work, what i stand for, what i put out for our kids to succeed means nothing...to the school, to the world...
i'm sad i can't give these kids what i know they need...im the only one who feels like they need this...
so i'm out in the cold...having to prove my track record...but at 42 i don't have a track record...not on paper anyway...go ask the corner boys...the ghetto girls...can i parade them in the interview? would anyone take their word? of course not...so i feel like shit...like my work means nothing...i'd love to write, to consult, but i need to pay that loan, the car note, the rent...the stress of being homeless or almost homeless is completely overwhelming...i can't be in that position with that over my head...

bear...i really really like him...he's not my type, has health issues, has issues...but i like him...he's educated, interesting, and most of all shares my passion for nature...BUT...he's jaded, wounded, careful...and he expressed to me in the beginning he "doesn't see me that way"...but then he conceded that he feels the same way i do...huh?...i'm confused...but i do have a habit of putting more into a situation, reading things that are not there...looking at intent and not reality...so i deleted him...from facebook, from my phone, from my life...i can't...i'm very sad...but i can't...im not jaded and take everyone as they present themselves to me...but i lived through idiots "just let things flow" "just leave it be" while he was fucking everyone and bought a house with the third...no thanks...
but i'm glad i totally embraced the moment...let him and the world know how i feel...screamed it to the world through song and admiration...i wouldn't change that and will do it again...it's how i felt in the moment and i'm proud to have shared that...

so that leads me to me...am i that undesirable? am i really ugly and no one wants to tell me? i lost 29 pounds for me, with more to go...but damn...i get my shout outs in the street, but i guess since i'm not 20, tall, light skin with a big butt and long hair it's over for me...sigh...i resigned to not having a life partner...it's actually ok...i don't have to worry about whether my soft squishy body is unattractive, or if he's wandering, or lying, or anything else men do...i will have a life...go places...do things...but walking in the woods is not quite as fun when you're alone...besides my roll dog no one is interested in what i'm interested in...but one day she's not gonna be here...and i feel like i'll be all alone...my kids don't seem to give a fuck...i don't understand how i raised such self centered kids...i'm so not like that...

so my gripe fest is almost over...i actually don't feel better but i know a good night sleep changes everything...

maybe i need to increase my metformin...i cut the dose in half cause my body was telling me that it was too much after my weight loss...

well thanks for listening cyberworld...maybe tomorrow i'll feel better...i promise to tell you...

how cool is this

2010-05-29T21:24:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted cause I'm just not on the computer but I got this awesome phone that let's me post....I just need to get used to the keyboard...its a new experience...
Well guys the bear is an awesome person...he's not my type at all and has health issues but he is what I've always looked for...it doesn't matter if we never hook up cause I know what I'm looking for is out there...
We hike, take walks watch the animals...I feel so safe and at peace when I'm next to him...
He sings native tribal songs to me and shares so much...
So no matter what happens in the future I'm going to enjoy what this moment is offering me right now...

2010-05-19T06:55:00.002-04:00

Im a bundle of confusion...don't know if I'm coming or going...men are weird, jobs have nothing to do with work and everything to do with games...I have money going faster than I can keep track...sigh...i'm not happy...
I like tiny, I do, but his words "I don't see you like that, I tried but I just don't" reverberate in my head...even tho we have had some beautiful days, I can't let that go...in the past I've overlooked those words and went with the action and got burnt...i realize that most men will take what ever is thrown their way regardless if they really want it or not...all this to say i'm backing the fuck up...believing his initial words...we can go camping, trailwalking when ever but i'm not putting anything else into it...one day i'll find the perfect man who has the qualities of tiny but who will see me and like me...i'm not here to convince anyone to like me...did that with idiot and ten years later i still got screwed...broke and screwed...no thank you...
the job...sigh...i need a new one ASAP...by july the latest...no vacation for me...i wonder why i gotta work so fucken hard all the time...i did all the right things and still i struggle...
so now i'm officially depressed and headed to work...

2010-05-15T12:07:00.002-04:00

life moves so fast that I don't have the time to sit and think, never mind write...I can't update you on everything, but just to say the job isn't working out...I'm not being invited back for the next school year...listen, i don't know it all, but I know what I know and I know my kids...inner city, ghetto, minority...what ever you wanna call them...i know them...i approached from a clinical angle they wanted a social worker...oh well, fuck 'em...sorry the kids will lose...

Tiny...wow...he has clear boundaries and limitations that i respect but am finding it harder and harder to keep...can I say soul mate? physic connection? for real? wow...i just wanna ride in his pocket...curl up on the soft soft of his belly...but i know that sometimes your soul mate is not the one you end up with...sigh...can i tell you that he CAME OUT THE BLUE...holy shit...wasn't thinking bout him AT ALL...not even a little bit...didn't even know he noticed me except for the occasional bearstare i would get...

so, i'm at a cross roads...birthday's coming up, new job, new life, new friends, probably a new house soon cause the rents gonna go up and i won't be able to afford it...but i'm not worried or scared...especially with a bear behind me, watching...
life is good...

2010-04-04T20:47:00.002-04:00

interesting how life turns...so before i was wondering about shortywop and i guess trying to make it work, then out of the dust comes Tiny...now he is extremely far from tiny but it's our "joke"...native, crazy, and did I say crazy? it's interesting cause 1. i'm not thinking bout relationships 2. damn sure not thinking bout him and 3. he popped out of the blue...
now i'm not putting anything on it at all but others noticed today when I walked up how he beamed like the light was turned on...i've NEVER had anyone mark me...kinda like sis who had bigman mark her...now they are the teletubbies...lmao...
but it started with him checking on me cause i was sick...never had that...he inboxed me his number...never had that...he invited me and the clan to his rehearsal...NEVER HAD THAT...and then told me I'm going to the auto show...it was kinda "are we going tuesday or wednesday" type thing...
MMB likes him...told me with no prompting...even with our six year difference...usually i'm told to stay in my age range and stop looking at the young boys...lol...but he is so wise beyond his years it's scary...
so, we will see what happens...oh did i mention we're psychic? twice one thought and the other texted...and i called him his college name...it just came to me...after a week or two of talking...scary...
so...when it's written its right...don't know if this is written but i'm definitely on new ground...

the start of spring...almost

2010-03-16T19:31:00.003-04:00

down eight ave
up seventh...
cars thumping
bikes roaring

groups of
girls
guys
men
woman
intertwining
walking circles
preparing for
springs mating dance

down eight ave
up seventh
babies dressed to the nines
thousand dollar strollers
Gucci, Louie, uggs

weaves flowing
lines right
glitter bling
ready for spring

down eight ave
up seventh
baby mama drama
"I'ma kick yo ass bitch"

5 0
slow go
mascato flowing
blunts glowing
skunk, haze
puts you in a daze

down eight ave
up seventh
profiling
styling

"who's dat"
nails done
engines hum
looking right
knots tight

down eight ave
up seventh
people streaming
getting ready
for summers heat
folks meet
greet

beefs forgotten
young bloods
fightin
flirtin
talking trash

down eighth ave
up seventh
the start of spring
ice receded
grass growing
blowing

getting ready
for summer strolls
down eight ave
up seventh...

i'm annoyed...

2010-03-09T06:45:00.003-05:00

...somehow I feel like a game is being played...and i always get sucked into it...i hate games...conscious or unconscious...I do care deeply about people and when i feel i feel completely in the moment...but lord knows i can turn it off like a faucet...but i don't have time...at all...
so when ever i sense a game, i break out...i have too much other stuff to do and think about...
maybe that's why i'm single and have no issue with it...i don't have the tolerance...i see my friends and the bs they go through and i'm like really? i don't think so...
i love my garden over my bed, and my life, and even now my job...
taking this training in DV reminds me of the bullshit...i know every person can fall prey to the DV and i'll never say i won't or havent but man...i try real hard to stay on top of stupid people...
the minute i feel like you're pulling some power and control shit i'm out...
so my spidey senses are telling me there's bullshit...so i'm turning it off like a faucet and moving on...
however, i always give a chance...cause it could just be me...but i'm in no way making the first move...been there, done that and it didn't turn out nicely...
that's my rant for the day...
laaaaata

rambles...

2010-03-07T21:32:00.001-05:00

hey I'm doing good with the writing thing...funny, I never wonder who reads it...don't care if no one reads it...I go back and reread what I write...it's refreshing to just write my thoughts freely without worrying bout watching what i say...not that I say anything hurtful...

I'm so happy to see my sis happy...she deserves it...i told her love would find her unexpectedly, and it did...bigman came out the blue...literally...but he's grown on her, and on us...shit, i even trust him with my car...my car is my man, my life, my love...

right now I'm the only woman in my fam without someone...even MMB seems to have a suitor...but I don't feel anyway bout that...i give all my love to the kids i work with...they need it more than anyone I could be with...

I don't have any regrets bout my life...I've made mistakes sure, and I've dealt with some folks that I even ask myself why...but overall I've progressed in my life...even in my zigzag way...i'm proud that I feel intelligent enough to apply to a PhD program...and I've said before I don't even care if I get in or not, but that I can apply...that I qualify...

I wonder where life will lead me next...I have dreams and wants...but i've learned that life and God gives you what you need...when you need it...

on another note I've decided to change names...moodmagicbarbie is starting to need a new name and shortywop is kinda disrespectful so i have to change that name too...and how funny is that, I care about showing respect even if they don't read this...sooooooo...ummmm, let me think...I don't know...MMB is still who she is, but I'll think of another name for my friend....ooooooo, I got it...gooddad, cause he's an excellent dad...

well that's done...I feel better...

I'm scared of relationships...i don't know what to do in them...i don't know how to date, i know how to be a wife, a companion, but not how to date...damn...i tried to practice but lost patience...i give way too much of myself too early, but then i decide i don't like someone and disappear...or then i like them and they don't like me so i disappear...damn...this man/relationship shit sucks...

so what do you do? I've never been one for games...even when I was in my prime...you either take me as I am or not...I mostly get the not...either the girls act like beybey's kids or the guy shows their ass and gotta go...but like sis says, and the movie "he's not that into you", if he likes you he'll knock down doors...I don't think I ever give anyone that chance...I guess that's where my insecurity comes in...I guess i wanna prove to them who I am and what I stand for before they go for the arm candy...ummmm....good insight professor...

OMG, this is too stressful...I like hiding in school...lol...

anywho...I hope things work out...or not...

well I've rambled enough for the night...
later...

sooooooo....

2010-03-06T17:12:00.006-05:00

....life is moving forward...I paid an exurbanite amount of money to apply to the PhD program so it's real and I can't back out now...I am now officially a PhD applicant...

bigbear had a birthday...although she's a year older her mind, spirit, body and soul are still 29...lol...she's the bestest in the world...not to depress the moment or anything but when time and nature takes its course I will probably lose it...I'm so glad that's not gonna happen anytime soon...I love my mommy...

so my shortywop had a loss last week...I'm completely enjoying my virtual relationship with him in my mind...we do talk almost everyday, or we did cause I initiated it, but I'm backing off...if he likes me he will reach out...i really am working on not being so overwhelming...but i honestly just dont understand how, me being such a fabulous and wonderful person, WHY folks don't just aren't dropping at my feet...maybe I'm "lonely and miserable" like the idiot says...lol...or "nobody in their right mind would ever want to be with you" like my child tells me...I guess the consensus is that I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life...

ah, but I'm not lonely...my life is so full...and if I get into the program I won't have time for anyone...but once in a while a moment will happen that I wish I could have shared with someone...like today...a beautiful song was on, the sun was streaming through the window just so...i wish i could have had a dance at that moment...but I danced with myself...reflected on the beauty of the moment and moved on...I'm not hard to please...

but shortywop...think I might have an idea what makes him tick...he's an extremely loving and emotional person...but he's been hurt and has lost so I get the feeling he is really wary of giving himself again...it seems he wants love, to be married again...but the question becomes how jaded is he? can he really move on from the bullshit of the past to accept me or anyone else? cause I'm not even sure I the one for him...

but that makes me reflect on the emotional turmoil i went through with idiot...and it's super hard if they're kids involved...i was willing to settle for him because of the kids...but that didn't work...then i was out for revenge...that didn't work...then i was out for me...that didn't work either...i was never out for a father figure cause i'm the best mom and dad out there...then i was out for arm candy...that really didn't work...dumber than me, younger than me...not, not, not working...so now I'm back to just living...flowing like water...
wonder where he is on the journey...cause it is a journey...but i like him and am there for him as a friend cause he's really having a hard emotional time and i never leave someone when they're down...

soooooo, that's what I'm thinking in a nutshell...
lata

parenting...

2010-02-26T22:43:00.002-05:00

is one of the hardest jobs in the world...especially if you are doing it alone...with choclahontas is was easier in a strange way...being adopted I had a lot of support from my parents...I guess cause she was thrown at me...but the little one? no...she never spent the night out...she was stuck under my ass 24/7...i didn't treat the two differently...just treated them according to their personalities and capabilities...
I thought i was parenting ok...but according to moodmagicbarbie I'm unbearable, I'm intolerable, I'm the worst person on earth...now most children do spew these words of hate to their parents but when you are one parent who does everything in their freaking power to make a good life for you and your children I find that totally disrespectful...
I'm not asking this child to worship the ground i walk on but shit, show some respect...i never forced her to show respect, I modeled respect...i said please and thank you...compromised...thought of my children first...
but this child is angry because i didn't give her a white picket fence and siblings her age...i can't send her on 500 dollar shopping sprees cause she's tired of her wardrobe and decides to throw it all away...throw away things I busted my ass to buy...
she thinks life here is hard...word? after i give you everything i have plus...yeah i spoil my children, but life is so hard I want them to know what unconditional love is so they wont find it in the arms of an asshole...i guess i overcompensated cause their father is such an asshole...
but you think this is hard?
child dances in my room at 10 to announce she's going out...now ordinarily she wouldn't go but she has her friend...so if she doesn't go, that leaves this child going home alone, in the snow..."but she travels at 3 in the morning alone" says the lovely charming child i have....but not on my watch...so yes, she goes...she was rude, belligerent and indignant cause how dare I...whatever she feels...if she kills herself I'm gonna be the cause...word?
so you know what? you can go...bye...you think I'm such a horrible person? you think you have it hard here? go...be a street child...know what hard is...scrapple for money...sleep six to a bed...be homeless for a while...maybe then you will appreciate what you have...
i don't have time for the bullhsit...this kid makes a decision to not talk to me or anyone else...i've set her up for therapy to give her someone to talk to, she won't go...i can't make her...then you know what? go crazy on your own time...you claim your so unhappy...go find happiness...maybe you'll find it at your friends house...i'm done...kid or not...there is no way ima allow someone to consistently put me down and disrespect me especially when I provide every fucken thing you own...
so when she's ready to understand what she has, and appreciate what she has, and shows me some respect I'll listen, but until that point you're on your own kid...cause you think you'll have a better life...good luck with that...

life's ha

2010-02-26T17:59:00.002-05:00

I proclaimed to the world that I was applying to a PhD program...I did this so I would be held accountable..,so I half assed worked on the necessary paperwork...the deadline loomed and I know I wouldn't be ready...but I was checking something on the website and guess what? the deadline was extended....hahaha to me....so I finished...and I will submit my paper work....getting in at this point is not important but that I took on a task and completed it...yay go me...
I like my friend...he's as strange as me but it's ok...
well more later...

dear diary...

2010-02-21T11:53:00.003-05:00

why am I so overwhelming? my whole life I've felt like I'm either on an interview or I'm having to tone myself down...interesting...here's a secret...when I'm nervous I go one of two ways...I'm either really overwhelming or I walk away...
when I meet and care for someone, friend, lover, I absorb them...I want to care for them...it's like they didn't exist before I met them...well in my view they didn't...and when I go it like that space and time has ended...like a star that's blown up and burned out...
now I have no problems with folks not liking me...cause i'm a strange one I admit...and I don't open myself to folk at all cause I know I will scare them, and I also know that i will give 100% or more...too many times i've been burnt...but each person I meet and "fall in love" with I know that they don't carry the baggage of the last...so each person gets a fresh start...
but I do it time and time again...I take over and scare folks...sigh...I'm like a bull in a china shop...and dammit if someone pet me I wouldn't break the plates and I could be lead out...
so I'm wondering if in my lovely way I've driven off someone I actually do like...in my brutally honest and overwhelming way...
if you just say through the exterior I'm a good person inside...
but I run into these issues...even at work...maybe I'm too particular...at work...I know I'm not the smartest, but i find that I put myself in situations where folks try to disregard my knowledge...that's why I went to college in the first place...they discount my ideas, but I notice that they will use it as their own at a later time...
so on one hand I'm overwhelming and on the other I don't fight...interesting...
well...writing this blog is therapeutic cause since I write it raw I can go back and reread many times what my thoughts were and try to figure out a solution...
but back to my friend...he's a sweetheart...I hope in no way I've insulted him or scared him with my man arms and overwhelming personality...cause that is not my intention at all...
but I'm so "out of practice" with men and relationships I just tend to be me...should I learn to play the "game"?...ugh...this is why I don't ever let myself get past the "flirting" stage...I just don't know what to do...I know how to be a wife...to cook, share, cooperate, delegate, care for you...I would do well in an arranged marriage...I wouldn't have to go through the other stuff...sigh...
oh well...
as for work, I've talked enough about it to see where I falter...so tomorrow I'm going in with a new attitude...I know it will work cause it's coming from me...

here I go again...

2010-02-20T22:35:00.002-05:00

...I'm very blunt and out there...I feel there is nothing to lose by being honest and truthful...
we went to a club and celebrated bearmaiden and cuddlyteddybears birthday with the HS peeps...it was wonderful!!!!!! I danced with shortywop all night...I really like him...he has grown on me...he had a sexy new haircut and you all know how I feel bout my sexy haircuts...he seems to be into me but I don't know...I never second guess what someone is feeling or thinking...
so I told him at the end of the night that i was really really into him...he gave me a look but didn't go anywhere...we drove uptown cause bigman and bearmaiden have had my car all week...
he went home...I guess I could've pushed the issue and had him come upstairs but he nor I did and I'm glad for that...I find him a true gentleman...
but I had to reach out to him today and let him know that in fact I do like him and it wasn't the tequila talking...I got poked but no verbal response...I don't feel bad that he hasn't said anything yet...cause his immediate reply could be "uh, I'm really not feeling you" as have been some responses in the past...
but I feel good...and I like that I didn't jump into something...and I like that I actually was NOT thinking of him in anyway but my sisters friend and in about a year he's grown on me...
so slow and steady wins the race...I'm happy for that...I get the feeling that all's well that end's well...

vitural life...

2010-02-15T11:31:00.002-05:00

...can be good and bad...yesterday I saw that a YOUNG child, whom i raised in the early formative years, said something very disrespectful about me on a post...i ignored the first comment, but the second and third comment were just too much for me to leave alone...
so I commented...then he commented...then his sister commented...and commented to all of them...then apparently they called my child with the bullshit...
but here's my dilemma...this is a situation where the idiot has raised his children to disrespect me...should I stand by and let this shit continue? if you read the thread his comments were extremely disrespectful where at one point he refers to me as "this nigga"...
i'm sorry...bullies get their strength from your silence...nasty comments were being made in the dark, in private, when i said something I looked "stupid"...but in black and white things are different...
so they pressured my child...she asked me not to respond cause it makes me look "stupid"...i will not respond for her sake, but is she serious? i used to be like that...not responding...just going along with the flow to not make a scene...but in my later years I realized it was bullshit...bullies get their strength from your silence and as long as you play the game they have you in their grips...
not me...i don't need them...i did not turn my child against them...their own actions did...so bottom line fuck them...
but I will NOT be disrespected by a bunch of teenagers and sit around and do or say nothing cause in my view then I look "stupid"...

2018

2010-02-13T23:18:00.005-05:00

a special place
66 steps to the top
so many people
so many ghosts
so many memories

we were family
hot summer nights
tar beach parties
doors always open
flowing between houses

we were one
struggling together
huddling under blankets
pipes frozen
no water

lock on the door
borrowing lights
from the hall
borrowing sugar
salt
bread

you have
we have
come eat baby

bike shop
fights
making love
in every nook and cranny

babies born
Bo shot on the roof
Ms. Francis
Mr. O'Dell
Mr. Roberts

running fast
holding your nose
to get past
Ms. Calhoun's house
chitterlings and cat shit

Hardest Hard
the fire
newbies

how many stairs to the top?
you do this everyday?

we were proud
the Bikeshop boys
Beautika

Will
Curly
Red who murdered his wife
Judge D

never will it be
the same
again
2018

heaven and hell
66 steps to the top
gone forever
but never forgotten

Ms. Francis

2010-02-13T23:09:00.003-05:00

a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she used to wear a wig
i told her once
she was too pretty
will mess up
her indian hair

from that day on
she wore a bang
and ponytail
black and silky

but she remained
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

never saw family
she came and went
first walking proudly
then with a cane
then stooped
like the weight
of the world
was on her shoulders

but she remained
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she always asked
after the family
the children
remarked how much
they grew

laughing behind
a delicate hand
a lady like giggle

always remaining
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she died alone
with no one to care
but she will always remain
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

my mouth

2010-02-13T11:23:00.003-05:00

sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble...or should I say me personally...I can be so overwhelming...I can't help it...it's something I'm working on...I know I'm like a mushroom cloud that envelopes all...sigh...I scare myself...
I think i get it from bigbear...we just get so excited we just talk...but i'm not a gossip and i never talk about anything that isn't public knowledge...ever...i'm a strong believer in confidentiality even tho my life is an open book...
so it's not anything I might say in particular, but that i will talk someone to death...i have so much to say, and I love to hear folks stories...i love to get them talking...

i feel better about having reflected, processed and internalized my prejudices...i feel it has made me a better person...i truly hope no one was offended cause that is never my intention...

but can i tell you i like my friend? no matter what happens i feel so good at having put my stuff to the side and taken the time to dig deep...i just hope i didn't scare him...sigh...i just get so excited when i talk to folks as smart as me...i just wanna live in their pocket...lol...

anywho, i'm taking it one day, one minute at a time...i'm NOT gonna be my usual overwhelming self and just live...but i do look forward to spending more time with him...and that's something cause he actually got past the first line of defense on his own merits and not cause he fit my man mold or talked a mean but bullshit filled game...

so the job is ok...i had a bitchfit but it did make a difference...sometimes you do have to throw a bitchfit to get results...but believe me it was planned and executed to the minute...i should win an academy award...BUT it was from the heart and i ment every emotion and word i said...but i just never "lost" control...

so for today life is good...

reflections

2010-02-06T16:29:00.003-05:00

poppy losing his leg got me to thinking...it got me to look at my own prejudices...i took informal polls...i thought....and i thought some more...

as i look back on my, thank God, short list of horrible men, i realized that i often overlooked important things, like intelligence, for a perfect physical specimen...right height...in proportion...no outstanding physical flaws...eyes symmetrical...hair line in the right place...although the last charmer had a "five head"...

so when poppy lost his leg i began to marvel at the power of love...although bigbear and i cracked some pretty cruel jokes about the situation, she never once even thought about leaving him because he lost his leg...he was no longer physically a perfect specimen...I think of a friend who met, married, bought a half million dollar house with, but who says her husband is ugly, not her type, and never will be her type...the love they display tells me that they will be together for a LONG time dispite the physical, and if they even broke up it that wouldn't be the cause...

but could I, would I, walk into a relationship with the physical flaws on prominent display...could I, would I, enter a relationship with someone who had one leg, who was in a wheel chair, who was shorter than me...someone who society deemed as "ugh"...

i really had to, and continue to, examine my prejudices...it is easy for me to tell my sister to love what God gave her and to not look at the package...she found everything she's looking for in a man that is a good fifty pounds overweight...I look at bigbear, who fiercely loves a man with many many missing body parts...could I, can I, open myself to someone who appears to have, at first glance, the qualities i'm looking for in a partner...the ONLY person my charming child has given a stamp of approval for...but who is shorter than me...

being five feet three, if someone is shorter than me, they are short...no way to cut it...

my view of men, my perfect man, is that he is to be taller than me...tall enough to wrap me in his arms and protect me, shade me from the sun...heavy enough so when I roll over I don't snap his bones, or crush him in his sleep, or send him flying into the wall when I give him a friendly but good shove...I can hear my friend say "I have a good umbrella to shade you, and it's okay if you smother me...I LIKE IT"...

so the prejudices are all mine...a friend said in so many words "I can't deal with a man who is boobie height"...well maybe some share my not so nice view...but it doesn't make it nice...and how does that person feel? the one who is ostracized by society? I often look at severely disabled adults and wonder will they ever have sex? have children? will anyone, besides their parents or sibling, see the beauty inside and love them for who they are? and here I am contributing to the madness...putting down people the very people i advocate for, telling people to look beyond the physical...being a hypocrite...

is it that i'm covering my own flaws? that if i'm with a shorter man, someone bordering midget status, that my lazy eye will stand out like a neon sign? will society see us as the short and the blind? will the jokes be cutting and cruel?

but in fact, i am the cruelest of them all...we all see odd couples...they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and issues...and when we see them how often is it that we are the only ones looking? that society is so engrossed with themselves that they don't notice...so why would I be so special to be pointed out...to be ridiculed...
am i so shallow that i will pass up what could be the man of my dreams because of my prejudices?

moving on...

2010-01-31T10:58:00.002-05:00

I know that there is no perfect life and no perfect job but damn...can a sister be somewhere where she's appreciated? I realized what pisses me off about boss lady...she finishes my sentences with the wrong words/ideas...ALWAYS...
so i've decided to basically ignore her...do my job which is deal with the kids...and just do what she asks (if it makes sense)...she's so on a power trip i realize that until she's moved UP and away from me there is nothing i can say to make her see her ways...
so I'm moving on...

so Ive been talking to a guy, as friends, for a minute...he's a sweetheart...but he's shorter than me...and i'm tiny...so he's bordering on midget status...it's weird to me...i don't know if i can get over it...he's a true sweetheart...but idk...he and his son are coming over on friday to hang out so I'll see...but i told my sis and i must stick to my words "God sends you what you need, but not necessarily in the package you want"...so I promise to keep an open mind...
moving on...

i made a stand yesterday...i did not attend my stepdaughters daughters birthday party...i always feel uncomfortable and phony...they act phony...always talking about me behind my back but wanna give the big hello's then ignore me the rest of the function...i don't have to be a part of their lives and i don't wanna...not if i cant get the respect i deserve...but choclahontas went at the end...said they asked for me...whatever...mmb didn't go either...they don't go anything for her, but that's her issue and stance...i never stop her from being with the family...in fact i encourage it but she makes the choice not too...
so moving on...

today i feel good...money as always is an issue but i'm ok...and i have no complaints...im going to try to work on my analytical paper for the admission process and keep it moving...

I am extremely unhappy...

2010-01-27T19:37:00.003-05:00

...this job is a hit or miss...I feel like the children...everyone is so stuck on "LEADERSHIP" that everything else falls to the wayside...
I ask for clarification on what I'm supposed or not supposed to do...the answer is always "check your job description"...ok BUT...and they NEVER answer my questions...and they tell me to talk to them in person and STOP sending emails...BUT...they are ALWAYS busy, never have time, look at their watches when we DO talk...
I feel like I have to dumb down cause it's the bosses show...I'm just there so they wont get cited...they say parent contact is a part of the job BUT when I say i want to talk to a parent I can't cause it's bosslady's job and I'm over stepping my boundaries...
they asked me to develop strategies for a child with ADHD and ODD...I did, but in writing it up I realized that it was deeper than just giving suggestions...so because I couldn't get a meeting with anyone I send this email:

Hello All,
I need assistance…coming from a clinical background I’m a bit confused with my role in certain areas…
For example:
I’ve been asked to develop social/emotional classroom strategies to assist Ms. teacher and point-people that work with child. Other teachers have approached me as well asking for specific strategies for specific children in specific situations…
There is no quick one page fix of strategies that I can hand out in a moments notice…I think of each child’s individual need/situation and environmental factors that contribute to the disruption when developing strategies…
In order for strategies to be successful there needs to be an explanation/conversation of said strategies and implementation…there needs to be an ongoing conversation on how the strategy is working and what needs to be tweaked…for those (like Ms. point person), there needs to be conversations based on the foundations of how/why/when strategies need to be implemented in order to achieve long term success…
When I approached Ms. teacher today with a quick overview and very basic interventions she expressed that she would rather receive the information in a few session course with other point people…she expressed she would like information on child development/OCD/ADHD/hard to reach children, how to understand the issues the child presents with, gain strategies and ways of implementation…
My confusion is this: in developing social/emotional (clinical) classroom strategies, who would have these conversation/sessions/follow up with the teachers? As these are not necessarily education interventions who (if anyone) do I need to pass this information by first? What happens in the cases where a BIP may not be needed …would I work closely with Dr. psychologist in these instances?
I’m totally comfortable managing this but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries/limitations…
Thanks for your assistance and feedback…

RESPONSE:
_____ – thank you for this. As I say to everyone – it is absolutely essential that you are specific in your comments. Which teachers, which students etc.
All of the things that you cite have been asked of you are actually things that are being planned for or have already been provided as support. teacher will ask again, even if she has been told the answer by someone else. There are whole wish lists of PD and discussions that everyone would like to have…..but we can only do so much at a time.
My advice - please refer to your job description – if it’s not part of your remit, then direct the teachers to ______, ______or myself.
____– I’m also aware of the ongoing email dialogue. It would be far more helpful to sit down and talk in these situations.
Make a time if you want to do so.
big boss

MY REPLY:
As your schedules are much tighter than mine I can meet at anyone' convenience...I can meet one on one or with all of you...

so my question is this...what they are implementing doesn't work...apparently cause the kid is still breaking down everyday...i can't have a meeting with anyone(teachers etc) without bigboss/boss/gettingreadytobebigboss's permission...but then they say that it's already been done...so if that's the case WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE? i don't understand...
I'm a professional...a clinician...i'm not a teacher/educator (except on the college level- does that count for anything?)
as social worker shouldn't I know what goes on with the kids? like today...an ACS worker came to the school...they tell me to talk to the worker-but I know nothing about the family because I'm not invited to any meetings or have the opportunity to talk to the family...
and what should I do when a teacher asks me a question...say I don't know when I do? refer them to the others? then doesn't that make me look stupid and not able to do my job?
and what if, because I haven't "done my job", I'm not invited back next year...then I'm stuck with no job, no money and owing the state 1500 for my taxes, plus car note and sky high rent and insurance...then what?...and will I paid for the summer? all this because it's bossladies show and I'm just a flunky...
this shit is so stressful...I care about the children...I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB...I love to research, talk to the kids, families and really make a difference...
but on this job I'm seeing that this is not possible...I tell you it's better than the last job and I don't regret changing jobs but at this rate I'm ready to not give this job a chance...
so hopefully I will have a meeting and it will be productive...hopefully...right now i'm not feeling that confident...

update...

2010-01-21T12:17:00.003-05:00

since I wrote that email things has gone pretty good...we've had our ups and downs but i contribute to the "getting to know you" phase...
overall I really can't complain...life, the job, the parents, the kids are all ok for this moment in time...I even started getting child support again...
for the first time i really feel i've cleared all the fungus out of my life...i tell folks exactly what i think...i don't even explain why...if I can't deal with you then out with the bath water you go...
i told idiot his VERY LARGE family wasn't shit cause in the fifteen years my kid as been on this earth his family has NEVER done anything for her...no birthday/christmas (which I don't even keep)/summers/weekends/check in phone calls...NOTHING...he immediatly stated "don't you have something to do with that?"

now I'm not one to shy away from my fuckups...i'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me...everything I do is for a reason, granted the reason may not be clear to anyone but me, or even make sense in hindsight, but believe you there is a reason...
now the situation he's referring to was dumb on my part...me, along with another person were trying to make a point..."stick it to them"...the other person, of course, turned coat when the shit hit the fan and didn't stand united in our trying to "stick it to them" but hey, what did I expect from an idiot...
anywho, kids should never be pulled into grown ups shit...if God forgive me and my sister just stop speaking I would NEVER turn my back on, or take it out on my fuzzy...and I KNOW she'd do the same...but this family? noooooooo...if they don't like me they're not gonna fuck with the kids...
he's like that...if I'm not his friend he won't call, come over, or be involved with his kid at all...sad...it's not their fault...one should want to be with the kids just cause they are so great...
so...when my children are successful I'm sure EVERYONE will want to claim them...but remember, what goes around comes around...

my email to the boss...

2009-12-27T12:47:00.004-05:00

a few things...well, a lot of things...

first I must clear the air...I was a little peeved the other day with our professional conversation...I had to mull it over for a few days to determine exactly what annoyed me before I spoke on it...because I generally like you and the job I'm going to voice my grievances so they wont fester and become something bigger...I'm airing this so we can process, discuss, and grow from this and move on...

I am a very conscientious person...I believe in hard work and show dedication to what ever task I'm doing...if I'm given clear expectations or tasks I complete them in a timely fashion to the best of my ability...I'm not the type to cut corners, lounge around or try to get over...everything I do/say has a purpose...as a social worker, and a school social worker, I know the general job and take it seriously...I don't need a job description...job descriptions just give me the specifics to a particular environment/job (never mind the fact that I never got one in the beginning so I feel I did pretty well in the last two months)...
my first job will always be to serve the emotional and social development of children...I am totally child centered and will always put the needs of the child before any team, staff member, meeting or even myself...

also during this conversation you mentioned something along the lines of "when you walk in the room the conversation or interaction should change"...I wasn't quite sure if you were talking about the teachers or students...but honestly I don't operate like that...I never want to walk into anything/anywhere and have folks change just because I'm there, because when I leave all goes back to normal...meaning no learning/processing has occurred...I always want to see the true person...I will work with someone so they can internalize, process and make their own the changes that need to occur...

however, what I find on this job are many unclear expectations, such as finding out "major things" as I go along (which may or may not be in the job description), and being given expectations after the fact...I may not have a set schedule, or a schedule on paper, but my time is planned...I was a bit taken aback during our discussion when you handed me the job description as if I was not doing my job, or didn't know what my job entailed...I am doing my job, plus...
I will make a clear schedule when we get back, but unfortunately I have to wait and meet with others...

which leads me to another point...there are entirely too many unproductive meetings with too many "teams"...I'm finding that often one team has no idea what the other team is doing...as social worker I should be aware of it all but can't, it just takes up too much time...we need to determine what is important and condense the teams- in my view the teams should be student support, teacher training, linking school and home...have one team centering on each topic...each of the three teams will meet independently as often as needed, but the three main teams must meet once a month minimum...

out of respect for you and the office, I have not openly discussed my observations on the shortcomings of the office or school with you or anyone else...I try to go about it in a demonstrative way- I model what I want to see happen...my "free time" is spent talking with ..., ...or ..., finding out what they need, what they like/don't like about the job, mulling over what part I can play to make the job/office more efficient and effective...however I find that people need clear directives, set schedules (whether it be daily, weekly) that don't change on a whim...one person needs to be in charge of the SFS members...I've observed that sometimes our staff get directives from other offices/people...that leads to frustration...
the school and staff uncertainty is being acted out by the children, thus a contribution to the behavior issue...children are emotional mirrors...

there are many things that are working...mentoring for one...the involvement and well-meaning of the staff toward the children...the positive relationships between staff and children...the understanding that each child is different, thus needing different things to succeed...and the learning, despite test scores (which I don't even know what they are) I see learning in the classrooms...the positive interactions between staff and parents...

as for solutions, my first thought is that SST and our office need to work closer together...we need to closely support one another...it's a good way to justify our office...merging the BIP's is a very good idea, but both teams need to follow through...we need to determine who has family contact (I feel it should be us), who has teacher contact (SST) and who merges the two (you and I)...

the phone log must be set up, for our office as well as for SST...we all need to be on the same page always when it comes to parent contact...folks need to respect and follow the phone log...

SFS must work closer with the classrooms...we should have set schedules when we are in the classroom...one person a day (on a set rotating basis) can be an emergency person who can be pulled from the classroom to address crisis situations with children, as one person should be on call to address parent/staff issues...yes, I have first grade but if I'm with a kid and ...is acting up there is nothing I can do at the moment and Ms. ...now feels unsupported...I'm putting classroom observations in my schedule- one class per day (or hopefully one grade per day)...

we need, with clear expectations and schedules, to utilize the staff......and ...have expressed (through general conversation) how much they enjoy being in the classroom...the schedule can be set up so every one gets to visit a grade a day...during our class visit time, we can model effective classroom management so hopefully the teachers will send less children to our office...I have printouts on what to look for when doing a classroom observation and I/we along with the teacher training team, can develop clear classroom management techniques we can model during our visit...

which leads me to SEALS...I don't understand it in the context of school wide use (well I do, but see it's difficulties and limitations), and those I've talked to are extremely confused...it is a good curriculum, but from feedback there was not enough preparation for implementation...for us it's easy as pie, but it's such an outside concept that folks are having great difficulty in processing the information, making it their own and using it in the classroom...I found it difficult to find one thing to use without feeling like I was missing the point because I didn't include A, B, or C, which then exceeds what I'm trying to accomplish or time limitations...folks like clear expectations and to tell them to take something and make it their own is a hard concept for some to grasp without continued support...maybe one PD a month can be dedicated to the SEALS curriculum, starting with a general overview and purpose...

and lastly, extended day must correspond with the day program, it has to in order to benefit the children...I've observed the switch in children at the dismissal transition...at three fifteen when the new staff person enters the expectations immediately change...this is a extremely difficult transition for some children...I don't expect ED to be the same as the school day, based on the young relatively inexperienced staff...but being young and inexperienced they will be easier to train so we mustn't use that as an excuse...
ED makes for a very long day for our children...they are in school from 7:15 to 5:15...10 hours for a child in one environment is a very long time...most of us don't have work hours (on paper) that are that long...children who are tired display the same symptoms as those who have ADHD...they still need structure, not to be told they are "bad", and gentle but firm approach...
I talked with Ms. ...very briefly on how we can merge and better ED...one of the ideas was a nap or quiet time after snack ...I've observed that the time between 3:15 and 4, when they go to specials, the children are jumping off the walls, half the class is in the hallway or in our office, and the teachers are on the radios trying to find their charges...they do not have the same support as the school day...I try to visit the classes on weds, but the teachers do not like that at all as I feel they don't understand the purpose...I feel we also need to sit in and model effective classroom management, especially during the crucial time between 3:15 and 4...

another idea is to have all available staff in the hallways and stairs at transition time...this can be implemented until children get used to transitioning in a more effective and safe way...Vygotski stated that children learn socially before individually...we need to set clear social expectations before we can expect them to own the expectation individually...this idea also can be translated into the classroom management piece...

this is a lot for a sunday morning, but in the quiet I've been thinking about the job since we got off (I told you my mind runs 24/7)...I want to see the school succeed, but more importantly I want this to be a memorable safe experience for the children...I want it to be a place they want to come back too, sharing grades and life stories...there is work to be done, but with clear expectations, trimming the extras, and hard work we can turn it around...

I can put this information in a more formal format if needed with clearer problems/solutions...

looking forward to hearing your thoughts/feedback...you may share my email/thoughts with anyone...enjoy the rest of your vacation...

merry christmas...

2009-12-25T16:33:00.003-05:00

I don't keep christmas...I don't knock anyone who does...but I don't see the point in running around to find gifts for folks just cause we're supposed too...I much prefer birthdays...that's your special day...a day you don't have to share...

but looking back over this year, whew, it was crazy...the year started off with poppy being sick...very sick...to him losing his leg...wow...took me some time to process that one...got choclahontas out the of the apartment...away from the hood and the possibility of her losing her freedom/life...kicked her ass out...made her move in with a guy she basically just met...not something I'm proud of and don't even advocate but I'm thankful it's worked out...

started the year with a boyfriend, but that was dead by may...but the most amazing thing to me is the fact that I walked off my job and into another...wow...I NEVER thought I would ever have the balls to do something like that...I'm not selfish at all and that was a pure selfish move and I DID IT...
I tracked down this job...got this job after being interviewed by seven people and beat out about five other candidates...wow...I really feel good...
I'm taking this moment to reflect... ...wow...

so this year...what will it bring...I'm applying for the PhD program at city university...don't know if I'll get in, but I've realized i'm smart...dont know it all, but am pretty damn smart...so TO NOT TRY IS A FAILURE...

back to the year that's ending...poppy once again has pulled through...once again is slowly muddling through life...

but wait...this is the end of a decade...bigger wow...I've accomplished so much this year...I graduated college in 2001 and grad school in 2004...I've owned two new cars, raised my children, moved two times, had two short term boyfriends (no longer than four months- I've got to change that, or change the folks I'm dealing with)...became a college professor and a licensed social worker...have five years experience under my belt...became a grandmother...and I'm still 29!!!!!!

on this christmas, I'm so thankful to have lived another year, another ten years...no gift could ever make me feel as good as I feel right now...
merry christmas to me...

confessions...

2009-12-20T20:08:00.003-05:00

for years I have not been true to me...I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, say what I thought folks wanted me to say, acted, dressed, and just did whatever I felt others wanted...
well at 41 I've decided to just be me...I know why I do what I do and I'm ok with it...so here goes...

I love being single...yes sometimes I'm lonely, but usually it's not for sex but for someone to ride with when no one wants to go with me...like to Florida or somewhere really wild on the spur of the moment...I'm down for taking off on friday and driving till I'm tired, getting a room and roaming the area the rest of the weekend...or someone to have a drink with...but usually I'm quite content to be by myself with me and my candles...I've yet to meet a person that is as eclectic as me and who can roll with my many sides...and I don't like folks enough to just have certain people filling certain needs...

I really love my young boys...25 is my age of choice...that's when they're still fun, full of live with minimal baggage...but I had an insight yesterday...the love of my life was killed when he was in his late twenties and I guess I've been searching for him...but I find the older guys are jaded...stuck in their ways...got babymama/ex-wife drama...ugh...I'm willing to be with a guy and let him go have babies somewhere...I'll help raise them but will have the luxury of sending them HOME...I just don't have the patience for small kids...not on an everyday basis...but shit guys can go with girls 25 years younger than them why can't I?...ok, I've given up on the thugs, they're really a waste of time but what if I find a young fine one who's SMART, has a life and shit going for him...am I supposed to turn him away cause I was 16 when he was born? lol...I crack myself up....but finding a "man" is not the number one priority in my life...

I like people, but really feel like their stupid...now I'm NOT the smartest person in the world but I know what I know...I wish I had the time to learn more but that will come...I hate having to repeat myself...I'm proud to be drama free...

I really hate my ex...he's such an ass...I only tried to make it work cause I knew that was the only way he would deal with the kids...but that didn't work and it only made me look and feel stupid...but as a person I really can't stand him...never did...even when I first met him I didn't like him but I got used to him...and once I learned his shit I figured that I already knew it and didn't want to break in another idiot...but man I can't stand him...

I love my parents to distraction...in fact they distract me from making other friends...cause my mama will ALWAYS come first...and my poppy...enough said...

I do take my sister and kids for granted...I don't tell them I love them as much as I should...well I tell my kids but not my sis...whew they all annoy the holy shit out of me but I don't know what I'd do if they weren't in my life...

I like quiet when I come home...I need some time to do me with no talking...I talk all day and although I love you I don't want to talk to you...but I do cause I know it's important...

I don't care if I have a mouse in my house cause my house is clean and eventually then will go away on their own but I HATE when they're stuck to the trap...super double UGH...I will find a random person outside to come remove that shit...now roaches...if you see one they're a thousand inside your walls...I go berserk when I see one...

I'm the perfect woman...not perfect for every man but I'm a bad bitch...I'm so over my weight (although for health and energy reasons I want to lose) it's just too tiring to keep up with it...when it gets warmer I'll walk to and from work...MMB will have to take the train...

so that's all I can think of right now...

so now I'm going to bed so I can go see my young fine ass one in the morning...I would never mess with him cause I don't shit where I eat or screw where I work but damn a girl can dream...

snow

2009-12-20T19:58:00.003-05:00

the white softness
mutes the sounds
of the city
filling the trees
covering the ground

soft as cotton
fluffy
like a cloud
falling to earth
you can sink
into it's softness

like a security blanket
the soft surrounds you
covering the ugly
making everything look
like wonderland

the white softness
a gift from God
muting
covering
surrounding
making the world
for a moment
the most beautiful
place on earth

just a quickie

2009-12-16T09:17:00.003-05:00

i talked to an old friend last night...a former boyfried of bearmaiden but one of my boys...when I was younger I only hung out with the boys...i have found girls to be so petty and phoney...
we talked about old times...the old building...the trouble we got into...the folks that past...it made me sad...i had a very strange but wonderful childhood...sometimes i feel so alone but after talking with oldfriend i realized that i do have a crew...old friends...

a response to bearmaiden's post...

2009-12-13T15:20:00.003-05:00

a few things...first-thanks sis for the compliments...I still sometimes doubt my writing/abilities/thoughts...but hopefully that will change as I plan to dedicated my summer to writing...to really explore and tighten up my theories...

funny thing is, as jaded as I've become, I STILL see the good in people...I refuse to give in to the theories (especially with kids) that people are fundamentally bad until they are taught to be good...
within the categories each person is still an individual, and I try to find the good in all...my child sometimes does not see it...she will ask why am I wasting my time with a certain person...but I see things-good and bad...I remain focused on the good...I will believe in the good until proven otherwise...sometimes folks become so jaded that the good is securely protected behind a wall...sometimes folks feel like they're already bad (or did a bad deed) so what's the point...they use it as an out...an excuse to continue to do wrong...and some folk feel that it will all work out in the after life...

however I say, and stand by, the fact that 95% of a developing child's issue is their parent...children are 1/3rd the mother, 1/3rd the father and 1/3 the individuality of the child...but that 1/3rd that is solely the child is a blank slate...every word, every action is a mark on that slate...those marks can be erased or written over, but the marks never fully go away...but sometimes the stamp of one parent is strong...it overshadows everything else...for good or bad, but often for bad...I can usually tell how a person is by asking about their interaction with their parents...

the big divide is the issue of black/white/gray...we live in gray...the system (any system) is in black and white...some folks are born and raised in black/white...they understand the system, but often fail at the gray...some folks are gray...born and raised...educated in the gray...live and die in the gray...I am red...I refuse to adapt to the black/white/gray...I complement the non colors with my vibrant red...always the stand out...I used to attempt to hide behind the black but I've given that up...I have realized that there are so many shades of gray I will never master the perfect color...so I just stand out...red...bright...

we must always keep in mind that bullshit is a defense mechanism...the folk who are slinging bullshit are hiding something...unhappiness, fear, loneliness, anger, resentment...I have found that folks who sling shit your way in particular are trying to throw you off so you won't notice that they are trying to be you...good/bad/indifferent...to the bullshit slinger, you have something they don't, something they want...freedom? happiness?

but there is no space in the gray to analyze...that would take them into the black and white...it would mean understanding the system (any system)...but as most are living in the gray that means stretching the limitations of the gray, breaking through the walls into the world of black/white/color...most don't want to, or can't...the gray is comforting...like a warm snugly blanket...think about it, if they thought in black and white...analyzed the situation, considered the ramifications, do you think they would have done the action? I think not...the rules are in black and white...there are rules in the gray, but they are hazy...floating in the mist...always a little out of reach...it's easy to be self-serving in the gray...nobody notices...you don't stand out like the red...

being red my rules glare...I have to be careful to not have too many...the red is bright against the black/white/gray...folks don't understand the red...aren't used to it...wonder what it is, where did it come from, where will it go...never mind I have the same rules as those posted in black/white/gray...they're just red...
people don't push the red button, fuck with the red person, follow the red rules...again even though they are the same...they stand out...different...
to be ethical is to claim a color...any color...I'm red...you're blue...we stand "alone" in our colors against the gray...it's much easier to fade into gray...

is this the answer?

2009-12-08T12:42:00.002-05:00

last year my doc told me I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) but chose to treat them menopause it created...that didn't work...after gaining a substantial amount of weight my appointment with the endocrinologist finally came up...he went along with the diagnosis and now I'm on metformin, a drug for diabetes that they use to treat this...
I'm not one for medication...at all...however I've been on it for five days...I no longer wake up feeling like I worked out in the gym for 24 hours straight...the soreness in the morning was horrible...for the last two mornings I was able to bound out of bed, I'm almost ready to do some sit ups in the morning...even my knee is feeling better...
getting old is crazy..it's like an old car...every couple of miles something breaks or needs to be tuned up...it's all about finding the balance and I hope for once I found it...
life overall is going really well...I have a good balance...choclahontas has settled into work and taking baby to school...moodmagicbarbie almost needs her named changed...she's stable...the parents are settling into the new home, the new life...poppy is a little bummed that he's never going to get better but I try to remind him regularly that he could not be here at all...and he's made HUGE progress with all that afflict him...

on another note, sometimes me and MMB talk about relationships...she feels that at times i'm lonely...it's funny but I'm not...most times I don't even miss sex...the bullshit that goes along with relationships I just don't have the patience for...wondering if MMB, in particular, is going to give them the special attitude or loving look...I love that my room is pink and lavender...I love the accomplishment of putting something up or together...
sometimes when she's out or busy (which is rarely) I wish I had someone to watch t.v with but then I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 they won't want to watch what I'm watching anyway...or someone to go out with, but then again I haven't found someone who willingly will go to a social or a school show...SO, I'm quite happy with me and my life...
maybe when MMB is away at college I'll explore...however I find it so funny that I can play match maker with the world but have the worst taste with my own choices...I love my young boys...shit, men do it all the time...why do I have to be stuck with the old ones with drama and baggage...I'm in my prime and I want someone who's in their prime as well...
I'm 25 at heart...I'm not trying to recapture my youth cause it sucked, I love the knowledge I've acquired through the years...I love knowing and learning...but dammit I'm not ready to put on the reading glasses and orthopedic shoes and talk over coffee...no...I'm all for hiking, gym, wild nights of sex (skip that part MMB)...what do they say? I'm old enough to know better but young enough to enjoy...

I got this attitude from my mommy...at 68 she's finally ready to stop shopping in the juniors dept but I know that won't last long cause she's not ready to "age" either...
I tell poppy this all the time...it doesn't matter what the body is doing it's how the mind is feeling...

well I'm off to talk to my young flow...yummy...

thanks...

2009-11-25T14:10:00.002-05:00

in the new job I'm finding myself...I'm in charge of the mentoring program...the home visit program...developing and organizing groups...seeing my kids...I love being busy and productive...
time is valuable but it's ok when you see the fruit of your labor...I never look for thank you's but when they come it's sweet...but my thanks today was seeing a boy that I work with bound into my office...he spoke briefly to his father that he hasn't seen or talked to in months last night...he wanted to know if he could call from my phone...of course...
the conversation was about 10 minutes...in the confines of my room with no worries about hurting anyones feelings he could talk freely to his dad...the sun beamed from his smile...he was walking on a cloud...that was my thanks for the day...

greatful

2009-11-24T09:27:00.004-05:00

to be greatful
we take for granted
to be greatful
is hard to do

but God gives us
so much
to be greatful for

when times get rough
we forget
to be greatful
when people act up
we forget
to be greatful

but it's never
as bad
as to forget
to be greatful
for what we have

school days

2009-11-19T21:54:00.004-05:00

twirling
swirling
smiling
fighting
screaming
jumping
bumping
crying

tears
smears
whines
lines
moving like ants
tearing of pants

hugging
slugging
pushing
smushing

childhood
school
real real
cool

something I can do...

2009-11-18T11:22:00.001-05:00

I can't access facebook at work but I can access the blog...yipee...so look to hear from me almost daily cause here I can find that quiet moment...

hello world...

2009-11-17T22:22:00.003-05:00

for the moment I'm back...life has settled...since I really wrote last poppy lost his leg, the parents have moved closer to me and I got a new job...a lot since last February...
there is so much to sort out, so much I need to put to rest, but right now I have to deal with the cramp in my freaking calf...oooooouch....

oh but WHY is it that the guy that I can have long INTELLECTUAL conversations with and who is FINE AS HELL is 24 and my co-worker...WHHHHHYYYYYYYY...God is such a joker...sigh...oh well...I really really need to learn how to turn back the hands of time...I really DONT look or feel 41, almost 42, and this is really posing an issue for me...I need to write it on my arm like a cheat sheet...YOU ARE OLD DAMMIT leave the young ones ALONE...

new beginnings

2009-11-17T21:58:00.002-05:00

rebirth
starting the clock
at the midway mark
every day
a new beginning
every second
rebirth
tick tick tick

babies born
elders pass
young adults
move on
new beginnings
rebirth
tick tick tick

time changes
but stands still
always the same
never the same
starting over
rebirth
tick tick tick

new jobs
new homes
new people
relationships
fresh as a baby
born
rebirth
tick tick tick

new beginnings
rebirth
tick tick tick

fall

2009-10-04T17:41:00.002-04:00

colors
rich reds, oranges
leaves crunching

cool mornings
jackets, sweaters
apples munching

sunday dinners
hot chocolate
marshmallows melting

thanksgiving
friends and family
food digesting

fall
colors
friends
jackets
coming together

tomorrow

2009-09-30T19:19:00.001-04:00

is the first day of the rest of my life? I truly hope so...I going in for a second interview at a school...I want the job for the chance at growth, a change...I need the job for the extra money I will make...
well we'll see...tell you tomorrow...

time

2009-09-27T18:11:00.003-04:00

where did the time go?
yesterday the kids
were small
the parents young
I was starting on my journey
of life

where does the time go?
now I have Greys
the kids have kids
the parents
have grands
and great-grands

where did the time go?
the seasons keep changing
like clockwork
the trees are still
in the place i saw them last
not seeming to age

where does the time go?
with a blink of an eye
and a nod of the head
it's all different

I'm called Ms.
by folks
in my minds eye
I'm the same age as
children were born
when I was twenty
and now
they're twenty

where it it go?
it seems like yesterday
I ran in the park
with no aches or pains
no cares no worries

but time keeps ticking
the world keeps turning

where did the time go?
it slipped away
never to come back

but I have memories
stories
smells
an everlasting present
of time

my vacation weekend with poppy

2009-08-23T13:39:00.003-04:00

is extremely interesting...for one our hosts are very talky...can't really enjoy the quiet or the sound of the river...I keep getting on FB hoping they will get the hint and go away, but no...they just keep on talking...

I've gone many many places with bigbear but I've never gone away with poppy and have never gone away with poppy alone...last night we talked into the night, just he and I...I realized I am a lot like him...we just kind of plod and watch...we laughed about bigbear and choclahontas being who they are...social butterflies...and the fact that we can hid behind them in social situations...
oh but I couldn't sleep...poppy moved around and thrashed...I realized he has sleep apnea,and a pretty bad case...we will address that when we get back...I think once he gets a really good night sleep he'll feel much better...

now we are staying in a log cabin that was built over 100 years ago...from what I'm hearing poppys friends are the third owner...we are in the woods...the country...but its a neighborhood, the house are fairly close together...
but last night as poppy thrashed tossed and turned I couldn't sleep...at one point he was saying the bed was too narrow...I pushed the beds together took my blanket and went to go into the living room...I opened my door to a strange scene...I saw flickering lights and the shape of someone standing in front of the couch...at first I thought it was the host or hostess and contributed the flickering lights to perhaps them lighting the fireplace...I didn't have on my glasses but it was a man short in stature, shorter than the host...
thinking I interrupted something I closed the door, giving them a moment to regroup as I got the feeling that they were startled but when I opened the door again the figure was still there, and the lights were flickering a reddish orangish glow...I sad fuck this poppy we got to share, and laid my ass on the far side of the bed...

this morning my house guest said nothing (and if it was them they would have fussed over me) and the fireplace had not been lit...now remember we are deep in the Berkshire mountains so it's pitch dark outside and not too many cars pass by...and not at three in the morning...

sigh...

2009-08-21T09:25:00.004-04:00

I often feel like I'm not heard, don't have anyone to share things with without being cut short, given what seems like opinionated ultimatums...I love suggestions, but if your not walking in my shoes you shouldn't give advise then shut off cause I'm not doing either or...

I'm having a really hard time with choclahontas...yes, she's almost 23 but folks she doesn't act like it...I don't care what she does in her personal life but how it affects the kid, and her lack of emotional attachment to the kid is what bothers me the most...

I'm not here to complain, and I'm not even here to ask for advise cause I do get advise but since folk don't walk in my shoes I sometimes get advice that I've tried or can't use for the particular situation and I can't take the conversations that follow...and I'm not here to justify my decision...

I've decided to turn my dining room into a bedroom for the kid...I'm tired of him climbing over things, wearing dirty clothes when I pick him up, having dirty feet from being in the house and just generally living in unsafe conditions for a three year old...

the bad thing about working with children is you see when children are distressed...I'm no great parent, I'm short on patience, will curse out the older kids and like things a certain way but when I see mine distressed I have to take action...

this kid did not ask to be born...in fact I begged and pleaded that he not be born because I knew the mindset of the parents...they were young, naive, and full of "I know already"...granted most teenagers are this way, but some step up to the plate, but when you have two people with special needs this is never good...

so my poor grandkid...she only takes him for a night maybe every two weeks or so...she ships him to me or the other grandmother..."why take him? just say no...it's her job"...yeah this is true but the difference between his emotional state when he's here and when he's there is markedly different...he came last night, upset that his dirty feet were in his shoes...upset that he had not had a bath since I dropped him off, upset that his environment was not neat, upset that he had on dirty clothes...he cried, screamed, tantrumed until well into the night...only settling down when I laid with him and he could but his head on my leg...he talked all night and ground his teeth- signs of distress...after a night or two he settles down, going to sleep on his own, not needing to sleep on top of me all night...

I told her she's acting like her mother...I needed to tell her the truth...she said I'm a bitch and that's why she doesn't tell me anything...I'm not too upset about this, most teenagers/young adults at some point either say or think this...but she doesn't seem to understand how she is impacting her kid...maybe she does...maybe her demons are shouting to loud for her to hear...I keep telling her to talk to someone...she promises to go see a therapist...but I can't lead her by the hand anymore, I can only do for the baby...I'm afraid the illness that took her mother is beginning to grow inside of her...she joked about having another baby, I told her hell no you don't take care of the one you have, I know you love him but you're not giving him what he needs...I was called a bitch and she stormed out the door...she never disrespects me otherwise and she is appreciative of what she has but she never takes it a step further...she never shows the initiative to better herself...when I talk to to her she generally stands, lets me talks until I say something she does not want to hear then she blows up and storms out leaving the kid upset, confused and angry...

I feel she needs to know the truth...I can't sugar coat it...but being the only one who has these conversation with her I'm a bitch, I don't encourage her, dont see the good...I do talk about the good...the fact that she did go to school for a semester...but how much can I say when she barely attended, didn't take any finals and failed all her classes...she screams she made an effort and I'm tearing her down because I never see the good...

I feel bad...I pushed her off on a poor unsuspecting young man...I can't carry the dead weight anymore...I will care for the baby...give him a home, stability, and consistent emotional support...I love my kid and I will never turn my back on her...but dealing with her I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a drug addict without the drugs...

believe me when I say I don't want to raise another...I looked forward for many years when I could come and go on my own time...get up early, run to the gym, read, write and just be...I hate having to not do things cause of the kid...but I guess this is my thing in life...I have to practice what I preach...

2009-08-18T15:44:00.002-04:00

I haven't been here since june 22nd...a lot has happened...so much so that over the next few days/weeks (depending on how often I write) you'll get the whole story...
Poppy lost his leg...he has a new one...choclahontas is moving in with a boyfriend...I actually like him...he totally "gets" her...they are friends first which is majorly important...
and me...I'm still healthy as a horse...still overweight...but going to the gym and working out like a man...so I guess it's muscle so I'm not complaining...
I cut my hair...took all the perm out...and am now sporting a curly afro...and hey, I really like it...
my chocolate sunshine is going to the "big school" in september...my MMB is going to 10th grade...
I'm happy for the most part, but I'm sad...I want to live in a house...one with a porch and yard...I want to plant flowers and tomatoes and cucumbers...I want to sit on my porch with a cup of lemonade with my shoes off, enjoying a summer evening...I don't have to own the house- though most folk say thats the thing to do- I will happily rent and let someone else have the headache...I do keep my surrounding immaculate whether I own it or not...
I don't understand why more than 50% of my income goes to rent...I either need a better job or a cheaper apt and right now neither is happening...
some wish for a man, a relationship...I wish for a house with a yard...

well that's it for now...till later...but I promise it wont be two months...

Hello world...

2009-06-22T23:07:00.002-04:00

so much has happened since I last posted...I have a new computer so I promise to write my thoughts much more often...
I've broken up with the wiseman...seems he wasn't so wise after all...poppy lost his leg and has gotten a new one...
I'm tired now but I promise to write tomorrow...

66 steps...

2009-03-30T12:18:00.003-04:00

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
I'm starting to climb
the stairs to heaven
to the top of the world
to the center of the universe

11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20
each step gives me a memory
how each of us
at some time
or another
has fallen down these stairs
stumbled up these stairs
some of us hurt
some of us laughing
till tears streamed down
our faces

21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30
each step brings me memories
tears of sadness
at the loss
of good friends
of how these steps
have changed
how old and dingy they now look
worn
but comfortable
cradling your foot

31,32,
33 marks the number of years
we've spent climbing
these 66 stairs
stairs to heaven
stairs to the top of the world
stairs to the center of the universe
half way there
it's been hard
but we have so much farther
to go
to reach the heavens
the top of the world
the center of the universe
family
it started with four
now we're numberless
powerful
together

34,35,36,37,38,39,40
as the halfway point is passed
memories of births
new friends that have climbed these stairs
for the first time
breathless
"how do you do it?"
not expecting to reach heaven
the top of the world
the center of the universe
toddlers learning to walk
up and down
laughter
greetings
smiling faces
peering through the railings
"hi nana, poppy, mommy"

41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50
animals making a break for it
running
running to freedom
down those 66 steps
to be stopped by the front door
just short of freedom

51,52,53,54,55,56,57,58,59,60
up and down these stairs
life has flowed
memories have been built
up with crutches
down by medics
carried in snuggles
carrying shopping carts
on shoulders
with food
laundry
tumbling
running
laughing
crying
stumbling

61,62,63,64,65
almost there
sun shining
through the window
the call of home
is strong
warm arms
are ready to embrace you
good conversation
good food
good smells
love
laughter

66
I made it
to heaven
to the top of the world
the center of the universe
healing my wounds
exploding with good news
I can shout it out
at the top of the world
the center of the universe

today is a better day...

2009-03-02T19:31:00.003-05:00

...poppy surprised himself and is feeling much better...maybe God heard my prayer and is going to make it better...I'm so hoping it's not my poppywoppy's time...I don't think it is, but I just don't want him to suffer...but if he keeps going this way he will live to 91...all he has to do is believe...

I had a beautiful snow day today...everyone handled their business and was effective...I had a full day (sans dealing with hyperactivesunshine) of peace and relaxation...I was able to crawl back in bed at noon and take a nap...oooo, that felt good...I took a relaxing bath and exfoliated...so even though hyperactivesunshine is driving MMB crazy it's ok...kinda...he did a complete handstand and back flip on the rug...I said "hey, don't do that again", he said "ok, but that was cool huh?"...now he's trying to do cartwheels...I need a cheap gym...QUICKLY...
now he's feeling on MMB's butt...oh God...radio hyperactivesunshine...as he tugs on his peepee...ALL BOY...I am so NOT a boy mommy...

I'm ready to face the world...

allll riiiiite....

2009-03-01T22:30:00.003-05:00

the love isn't over yet...I am woman to admit I threw a bitch fit cause we didn't go to the restaurant I envisioned, nor did the night turn out the way I wanted...I have to admit it did feel good...but I sometimes get wrapped up in the forward momentum of my anger attack and can't stop...
the sight of him standing by the door looking deflated and confused as I ranted and raved will stay with me for a while...although I got a sick sense of power I knew it was wrong and it was wrong to do this to a dude who isn't deserving...
so I apologized...he hasn't come over but we talked a lot, and cleared the air...he tells me I'm still Queen *professor*..."just accept me baby, cause I accept you for everything you are...you're my queen..."...I'm not going to push fate...I'm not going to push and push to find his breaking point...I'm going to accept what God has given me and just flow like water...

please say a prayer for my poppy...he's not doing well and we don't know why...he told me last week he's really tired of himself...but when I pressed he said he wants to live to see ninety one...but he's not doing what he needs to do to make it...I know he's depressed...clinically depressed...but you can't treat your family...so all I can do is love him...but he's so far into himself at this point I don't know if he notices...
as much as I love my poppywoppy, I don't know if it's fair to encourage him to stay with us if he is so unhappy and in pain...this is a man that was tall and strong and herded sheep...to see him curled on the bed in pain is very hard...and hardest for bigbear who has to live with this twenty-four-seven...
I don't know folk...I just don't know...
I pray that he can be pain free...but Lord (and family please don't jump down my throat) if this is it, please take him out of his misery...poppy does not deserve to spend his last days on earth in pain...

the love is over...

2009-02-27T23:18:00.002-05:00

...I will say it's me this time...I totally admit that I look down on common folk...I worked really hard to get where I am...I'm working really hard to get to the next level...my goals this year are to pass the LCSW and start my PhD...
I can't be around folk who are satisfied with being where they are...
tonite, in a RARE occurrence, MMB spent the night out...all I wanted to do was go to a nice restaurant, have a drink and relax...I was looking forward to it all day...but NO...this idiot takes me to a ghetto fab chinese/spanish diner...where I was offered a fucking NUTCRACKER...I realized that it's never a good idea to date folk who are below you...it just is not going to work...
yes, I should have be appreciative...it's probably all he can afford...but SHIT...are you fucking serious? yes, I should accept folk for who and what they are...but I always say you can be where I am if you work the way I did...I'm not better, but I bust my ass...
anywho...I've decided that I NEED to be by myself...by the time I get thru the drama of MMB accepting folk, and dealing with that person and all they bring, I just don't have the energy for anything else...
so FUCK IT...I'm going to happily spend the rest of my life by myself...go where I want to, buy what I want to...not have to hear anybody complain or not accept, make comments or anything...

a quick note

2009-02-26T08:59:00.005-05:00

before I start working...

first off Kudo's to all who take nyc public mass transit...I did it all week...lugging my sunshine...I remember doing it with my kids when I was younger and had a little more energy...I can't do it...I'm counting down the hours till I get my car back...I must say I like the exercise and maybe next year when sunshine goes to another school I might take mass transit but for now...HELL NO...
I've pretty much always had a car...I hate parking, but I like going to places on my own time and most importantly I LOVE not having to deal with folks and their issues first thing in the morning...

The honeymoon phase is in it's middle stages...I'm struggling with the lab puppy...it's not that he's doing anything in particular, he's just breathing my air...literally...he's in love, I'm not...at least not as much as he is...I wonder if I'm relationship material...it's been so long...

anyway...of to work I go...talk later...I promise...

Hello world..

2009-02-21T08:10:00.002-05:00

or just blogworld anyway...
life is going so fast that I can't keep my promise to write everyday...so now I'm working on once a week...or once a month...
is the newness wearing off? is it that one's just writing thoughts/fears/anger/happiness to the world and don't know who's there reading it? are we narcissistic and only write for the comments?

anywho...life has been crazy...this time last week I was getting ready to take poppy to the hospital...he had a raging infection that ALL his doctors overlooked...we knew he had an infection, but I'll be damned if the doctors don't know more than us...so he went in, stayed for two days, got the antibiotics he needed and now he's on the road to recovery...doctors should listen to their patients and their families...I don't have a medical degree and don't pretend to know it all but I KNOW my father...so if I'm telling you he has an infection, take a blood test...

Moodmagicbarbie, who really isn't having too many magic moods anymore, is doing really well...she's grabbed a hold of herself in school and has accepted herself for the quirky rock and roll loving person she is...this makes life a lot easier...
choclahontas has started college...she also is grabbing a hold of herself and life...she has finally surrounded herself with a good and positive circle of friends and family...

and my Labrador puppy...he is a true sweetheart...he stands back and lets me be me...he puts me under no pressure and admires that I'm the backbone of this family (bearmaiden is the brain, bigbear is the skin, sunshine is the heart, the sun is the ego, choclahotas is the id, MMB is the superego, and poppy is the appendages)...he has his moments, as do we all, but I see that he strives to be a better person...there are times when I see him not being in touch with his feelings, but when I call it to his attention we talk about it...
he is a little intimidated that I make WAY more than he does, but I've told him how he can make more money...COLLEGE...he is amiable and is looking into school for september...he wants us to get married and move down south...I told him in order for that to happen he has to have a degree...incentive...
but he's cool...I can still tolerate him...tried to dump him last week but it wasn't happening...

so that's life in a nutshell...I really can't complain that much...

Hey world...

2009-02-10T21:27:00.002-05:00

I'm not keeping my promise about writing every day...I sit and look at this blank square and then say "naw, not tonite"...
a lot has been going on...my beautiful choclahontas enrolled in college and started her first class today...this is huge...she has a full course load...I know she will do well and I know she will finish...I just wish she had some kind of financial independence...I don't know what's going to happen on march 1st when the rent is due cause no one has it...

It's almost time to search for a new name for moodmagicbarbie...she is not as moody as she used to be...this is a good thing...she is really growing up and maturing...she still berates me when we talk, and she still does not accept me for who I am, but that will change in time...I'm a little worried that at 14 she's not social...she'd much prefer to sit in her room with the door tightly shut and locked then go out with friends...but then again, I'm sure when she hits 18, 19, 20, she will be a party whore...or maybe not...I just don't want her to look back on this time and regret not having fun...also being locked in the room with your own thoughts you can develop a distorted sense of self...

I'm worried about Poppy...he is in chronic pain, he's not eating and all he wants to do is sleep...bigbear takes all the brunt cause poppy won't hear of us doing anything...I sat with him one day...asked him repeatedly if he needed juice or food...he said no...the MOMENT bigbear walked in he started telling her he was hungry and wanted juice...

I'm changing wiseman's name to Labrador...I swear he is like a freakin lab puppy that bowls you over with affection the moment you walk in the door...I do like him, he has no ulterior motive, there are no "BUTS" with him...he is proving to be who he says he is, and what he says he is...but LORD...be careful what you ask for cause you might just get it...the affection is OVERWHELMING...I have to tell him "slow down speedy Gonzalez, let me breath"...he's not Russian hands and roaming fingers or anything like that, and I do like the affection but DAMN, I'm not used to this...I can see myself with him for a while and he does make me happy but I'm still at the stage that if he were to bounce, or I saw a side I did not like or tolerate I wouldn't miss him if he left...

so that's my life in a nutshell...

a new day...

2009-01-31T17:30:00.002-05:00

...today is a new day...a new year...a new time...
what does it all mean...IDK...

I like the wiseman...he's cool, quiet, not at all like his street persona...but hey, who cares...MMB is still annoyed but the venom is receding..much like the quiet before the tsunami...but hopefully it wont be too bad...maybe she will see that I'm really happy...

he ended up staying over...chocolate was wheezing and I needed to put him to sleep...he was on one side and the wiseman was on the other...such love...my little one said "muma, can I lay boobiepillow?"...anywho, I passed out...MMB had a bad dream and came into my room to see the wiseman...she was angry and rightfully so, but he was on top of the covers fully dressed...I asked him why didn't he wake me so I could lock the door...he said that with the baby wheezing and his mama being known for not answering her phone he was worried that if I had to take the baby to the hospital he wanted to be there to help me...

so last night he stayed over...MMB had a 'tude but it was short lived...I do care what she thinks and feels but on the other hand this is not sexychocolate, idiot or anyone else I've messed with...I can't explain it but to say I feel this one is a keeper...he never has luck with relationships past six months, and for me it's about three...so in august when we've passed all the barriers we will think about marriage...he brought it up...he does not know bout my money, my pay, or anything that would make me say "yeah, it's for the money, or what I have"...but he tells me "where have you been all my life" and tells me I'm his "darling darling baby" (he sings that song to me)...it sounds cliche, but his mannerisms, body language and the look in his eyes are hard to fake...they appear very sincere...and you KNOW I'm looking...HARD...

I feel safe with him with MMB, partly because he's know choclahontas and has never made a move, partly cause he has seven sisters of which he is VERY close to the three from his mother and father, and partly cause all his girlfriends have been older than him...yes, he gave me the history...

so that's all I'm going to say for now...I'm just living one day, one moment at a time...

HOMERUN...

2009-01-29T18:21:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a while...for anyone who might just happen to follow my boring mundane life I am sorry...
I've been on facebook, which is like mind candy...I can go on, trade barbs with folk and just not think...with the blog you must think...
I am cautiously in love...and I mean cautiously...idiot ruined love and relationships for me, but I promised that I wouldn't let him win...I was not going to become what he said I was and what I would become...
but the wiseman happened...let me tell you, he's far from perfect and I have no preconceived notions about him or his abilities, but he's like no other guy I've ever dated...
and even though MMB has pulled out her really special nastiness from the archives, and is going to test him till the day we split, she likes him...
I'm just taking it one day at a time, on moment at a time...I'm building no structures or foreseeing the future, I'm just going to enjoy the time I spend with him...

I slid on black ice last week and rearended a postal truck...the truck was fine, my car needed 2000 worth of work...the autobody was so happy to see a car they fixed it in one day...the only issue is that I wasn't prepared to have money until tuesday..

but riding the train is draining...so I'm going to sign off for now and go to bed...

Ball two...

2009-01-08T23:18:00.002-05:00

so poppy finally had his surgery today...he hemmed and hawed and bullshitted but we were finally able to put his intestines back where they belong...he's home smoking a spliff and I'm sure eating some of bigbears good ass chicken soup...she loves her man and will take care of him to his last day...complaining, but she will do it...sometimes me and sis are like "ma, he will be fine" but that's her man and she LOVES him...

MMB found her father and got to spend time...I'm not sure if it was to spend time, watch the cute boys run up and down the basketball court or get money...or all three...anywho, my choca came over with the energizer bunny...she was in contact with little man, who likes me, but since I showed him my particularly nice side, was really attempting to not overstep his bounds...

so I cooked chicken fingers and potato salad..he called so I told him he could come over..."only because" I said "choca is here...cause I don't let folk in my house, but on the strength of her word you can come in"..."but act up and you wont leave with everything attached"...

first and foremost, brother is FINE...chocolate brown...slim but filled in...relatively well spoken...and get this...
I prepared dinner, laid out the table and we sat to eat...MMB came home, wasn't hungry but sat at the table...what a time we had...we talked, laughed, energizer bunny cracked jokes...he sat and absorb it all...not in a creepy way, but just enjoyed it...kinda like poppy...
after dinner I started clearing dishes as I like to wash right away...he got up, scraped plates and just kinda moved me out the way...he told choca that she was going to dry after he washed...now I love my child, but she is not exactly Martha Stewart and will only wash dishes cause she has too...if it's not her house she's not gonna touch a dish...
folk, he washed dishes stacked them the way I do and WIPED THE COUNTER AND AROUND THE SINK...2 points...
he rode with me to get poppy and bigbear...very easy to get along with...the best of froggy, my first love...

it's not love folk, but I'm impressed...I'm real, he seems to be real and he comes highly recommended...so we will see...oh, and he graduated high school...another point...lol...and lives on his own and never went to jail...boy, I'm on a roll here...and he asked me on a real date...I stalled him...make him wait...

IDK....

2009-01-07T19:27:00.003-05:00

...I was going to tell the story of how I felt my clinical director undermined me and let me down on a supervisory level but I'm not gonna do it...it's not worth it cause nothing I do or say is going to change her or her narcissistic ways...plus I got much of my bad feeling out in supervision today...
but I will say that I've come to the solution that it's time for me to move on...I think ahead so I'm planning to make a move in september...the only way I can think of staying is if wildfire goes...she's a good friend (kinda) but a horrible co-worker...she does nothing really and then she decides to do her job, but not having done her job she tends to either A. do what I don't need her to do or B. redo everything I've done already...the other issue with her is I have to backtrack and check everything she does...I don't ever want to have an issue so I will just move on...

I don't know what my next move will be...I do like to teach, but a lot of schools want a PhD, which I don't have...I really know the committee of special education stuff but to work there you have to have a masters in administration and I have a clinical masters...I'm good with people, though I really need a break from seeing the littlies...it's been five years...
I need to publish, but outside of writing my blog I really don't have time to sit and write and definitely no time for research...

on another note, I've been drinking a half glass of red wine every night for about the last week or so with my dinner...my other co-worker is first generation from Italy...she tells me that as a child she was not allowed to drink soda, but instead they would have diluted wine...growing up, she said, none of her friends grew to be alcoholics and most are in pretty good health...she herself at 46 looks damn good...I'm following her diet...
I have heard that red wine is good for your heart, and let me tell you its good for digestion...just let me say I hear stomach noises (not gas) that I haven't heard in years...since I don't like red wine and too much gives me a nasty headache, I don't ever have to worry about increasing my half cup to a bottle or two a night...

score two points for little man...he's the one that choclahontas is encouraging me to get to know...he works...held his job for the last seven years...that, for a black man, is impressive...also he has offered to take me out...yes folk, a date...a real date...he has also offered to cook me dinner (too intimate right now)...I declined the dinner but will go on the date...hey you never know, plus you have to kiss a few frogs to get to the prince...upon neighborhood check, he's never been in drama and is not known to sell drugs...now or in the past...ok, I'm still being mean but we'll see...I'm defiantly going to dinner...and no, MMB will not have the pleasure of scaring him away before I thoroughly research him...

I found free exercise classes in my neighborhood...tuesday (which I can only go to during semester break) and thursday (shit, which I can only go to until the new semester starts) and saturday morning...well at lest I can squeeze in a little exercise...

quickly...

2009-01-06T22:45:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to take the professor job...the salary is the same as my current job...I'd still have to hold two jobs...I want one job with the salary of the two jobs combined...

dude 1 that I spoke about is a wash out...nice, sweet, but a waste...don't have time...there is a mentality of laziness that I can't accept...you don't have to have the body of a God, but shit, take care of yourself...take pride in your health...

choclahontas is attempting to hook me up with someone...I love her but I really don't trust her taste in men...lets not tell her, and she doesn't read my blog...but I appreciate the effort...she wants her mama to be happy...
he's totally into me...has a job, don't know bout prison but I'm sure he served a bid as many black men in my neighborhood have...but I was thinking to myself...yeah I know I'm a catch and those who know me do want to be with me, but what can he bring to my table besides sex, which men seem to feel all women want and are satisfied with, and no one is getting till I have a ring on my finger and a confirmed negative AIDS test...

my charming moodmagicbarb, when I casually mentioned this to her, went into a tirade- does he have a job? did he go to college? is he a corner boy?...I laughed my ass off inside...cause when I do it to her she's gonna flip and scream and get all belligerent..."well, you better never bring him around me"...don't worry boo, I can't and wouldn't cause even if he was a college grad and had a really good job etc you'd send him crying into the night...poor me...I'll never have a man...sigh...

but things are looking up...for the first time since the summer, idiot got the child support right...

so good night...tomorrow I have to tell you about the idiot I call my clinical director...

back to the grind...

2009-01-04T21:52:00.002-05:00

tomorrow is back to work, back to school...
I actually accomplished a lot this vacation...I helped choclahontas clean her house and helped her work through issues...she way more relaxed and focused...
my moodmagicbarbie went to Miami and seemed to have a wonderful time...she is more relaxed also...she is ready for the second half of her freshman year in high school...
I got to relax...there were a few days were I just stayed in bed...did absolutely nothing...
I have my interview with the college tomorrow at lunchtime...I'm excited...I really hope the salary is worth it cause that's what it boils down too...money...I plan to work the two jobs for this semester, then I'm going to leave the daycare...I really feel that I've come to the end of it...it will be five years in june...it was a wonderful learning experience, but I can't grow anymore...
a new year, a new mindset...I'm ready...BRING IT ON...

A new day, a new year...

2009-01-03T01:21:00.002-05:00

I have to give the blog as much time as I give facebook...that's one of my promises for the new year...

everyone has gone and returned safely from their vacation trips...fuzzy came home safely from Cali tonight...

I had my sunshine for two days...MMB asked me if he is like his mother and my response was "that's why you're eight years apart"...he is perpetual motion...he never stops talking or moving...even in his sleep he twitches and moves...those synapses in his brain connecting and fine tuning themselves (that's why babies twitch more than adults...its the brain testing the circuitry)...
His mama is doing well, I'm really proud of her...with ADHD you have to tell/show them every time like it is the first time...even if it is the one hundredth time...they don't understand your anger and frustration at having to repeat yourself...but that one hundred and first time it clicks...and the lesson is there for life...and they master it...
my MMB is settling into high school and into the beautiful child that she has developed into...her mood swings have even gotten better...now we only have to deal with PMS...that's still very rough, but we're working on it...

and for me...I realized that I'm not really happy at my job...when I'm no longer happy that vacation is over I know there is an issue...I love to work...but the spark is gone...I don't want to go to work on Monday...I really don't...thank goodness we have another vaca in February and a few days off in Jan...

but I'm hanging with the night crawlers, and not being a night crawler myself I'm going to pour myself into bed...I just wanted to give equal time here...
talk tomorrow at a decent hour...

today is a new day...

2009-01-01T10:38:00.002-05:00

the beginning of a new year...I feel good...
I settled my difference with my girls, if not for just a moment...
there is peace in our house, in our lives...
and yes, I am a Jewish mother...lol...

today I'm sad...

2008-12-30T21:46:00.003-05:00

...I'm sad because I thought I was a better mother...I thought I instilled love, caring, sharing and the beauty of hard work in my children...

but at some point I failed...both are self-centered...one is so miserable you'd think I exposed her to horrible things in her life, kept her in constant danger, deprived her of any form of happiness and love...the other is so self-absorbed that she does not see that her actions, and choice of folk she chooses to surround herself with, are getting her into serious trouble...her choices will get her killed, in jail, or have her child taken from her...

I gave up everything for my children...I didn't date, I didn't want to have men parade in and out of their lives...the three mistakes I've made (of which were not boyfriends) one child will never let me forget...she yells it in my face whenever she gets angry or doesn't get her way...she will scream how I exposed her to "crazies and rapists" which is so far from the truth...every job I took I calculated how much time I would be able to spend with my children, even if the job had lower wages...they always had before me...clothes, food, shoes etc...I went to school so I could give them better lives...get them out the projects...but for one that is not enough...

the other child runs...tells me "that's why I don't talk to you" when I'm trying to fix the mess she put herself in...serious life altering types of messes...

I try...I'm far from perfect...I get pissed after repeating myself...I yell...I curse...but I get so angry when I telling them the shortcut...the easy way to settle their situations with minimal damage to themselves or the family...

so one is happy to see me leave, the other locks herself in the room and is pissed that I exist...the mere sound of my voice, my breathing sets her off in a tirade where she will pull out everything in an attempt to break me, have me quiver and cower...it's like she lives to break me down...and God forbid I say something...so I yell and curse cause Lord knows if I were another kind of mother that would be an abused child...

but I love my children...but I feel like I'm always on the defense...like I have to walk on egg shells...I just can't be me...everything I say is corrected or I'm accused of being condescending...or my words are taking out of context, twisted to satisfy the self made prophecy of hatred and non-caring on my part...

sometimes I just don't want the fight...I'm tired...tired from working two jobs...tired of constantly "modeling" my behavior so my children will grow up proper...tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...

one had a vacation...I spent good money for her to sit in a hotel...I guess she had a good time, but since she's been back it's been hell...no smile, no joy, no talking...just insults after insults...she's already predicted that our new years eve is going to be miserable and trust me she is doing everything in her power to make that come true...

the other...well, what can I say...I just can't believe that she chooses to live the life she does...

I just hope and pray that life does not treat them bad and kick them in the ass too much...I'm not going to give up on my kids, I will always be there for them and do what I can for them...but shit, I would love that they acknowledge and respect me...birthdays, mothers day will go by and if I don't ask them for something neither will think to give or do anything for me...and even then, one of them has the attitude like "I don't do for people, so don't bother do for me"...oh, but let a birthday go by without gifts...shit, even when I get gifts it's never enough...but I will always do for my kids...even if it means giving up my last...

so today I'm sad...I've been sad for a long time...I hope that nothing bad happens to me or that I'm taken off this earth for my children to appreciate what they have...I'm not perfect but I try really hard to be the best I can be...that should count for something...

so I'm going to make the best of the rest of my vacation...even if folk are unhappy cause I realize that nothing I do will make them happy or make a difference so I'm just gonna do for me...

fat

2008-12-28T16:11:00.004-05:00

my fat
is my buffer to the world
insulation
from peoples
thoughts
issues
fears

my fat
protects me
from sensations
vibrations

everything is muted
when it goes through
the fat

my fat
locks everything in
my thoughts
feelings
sensations
sadness
anger

why do I need my fat?
the protection
insulation
security

I'm afraid
to let it go
what will happen
if I don't have
the warm blanket
of my fat

thick, yellow
chicken fat
coating
laying
under my skin
winding around
my entrails

if I confront
my fat
I confront
me
and its not
always pretty
scary in fact

I cant let
my security blanket go
fat
my fat

the year is almost over...

2008-12-27T14:28:00.002-05:00

this was a strange year...a year of growth and change...I'm glad this year has ended and I'm truly looking forward to the new year, the new beginning...I thank God that we have so many opportunities to start over...

In this upcoming year I foresee changes...I also promise to write almost everyday...not just to share the mundane minutes of my life, but to create a journal...so this time next year I will have a record of what happened in my year...the good, bad and boring...

I will write later about how things have been going...I've spent a lot of time of facebook...it's a faster pace, and also you don't have to dig in depth...about you, your issues, your joys, your triumphs, or your failures...

MMB went to Miami with her sidepony and is due back tonight...choclahontas, with the help of bigbear has faced her mess and started to clean it up...we all realize that she really has a disorder...so do we say "that's how she is" and let her slide? or do we not use it as an excuse...I don't know...

I met a guy...not MY type of guy at all...but seems very sweet, secure in who he is, and unapologetic about what and who he is...kinda like me...his birthday is two days before mine so we have an understanding...but I like him...I wish I could change some stuff, but who am I to talk...but we will see...I'm not building any structures...I'ma flow like water and see where the current takes me...

In this upcoming year, I want to make some job changes...the college offered me a full time position teaching...I'm taking the job on top of my job, but I think I'm going to let the therapeutic nursery go in september...I've been there five years this june..I will never be promoted, I only got a raise because I got a new license, and I think that job is going to be a dead end...I like the kids, but my personal growth will be stunted in the end...

so later for now...

for those who read me...

2008-12-09T21:28:00.002-05:00

sorry I've been away so long...my internet was acting up...so I find if I sit right under my dining room window I can mooch somebodies internet...hey, I'm saving 50 dollars a month...
some stuff has been going on...the most annoying is that moodmagicbarbie is fourteen and is really trying out her new attitude...for the most part I don't mind, but once in a while I got to show her whose boss...and no, MMB you're not gonna make me cry, so please stop trying...but I will shut your ass down and make your life miserable...so now that that's out the way I can proceed...

I'm counting down the days till winter break...it's eleven working days...I did all I have to do...I bought and built MMB two dressers...I changed the dining room light (the old one was putting on a fireworks show every time I flipped the switch...not good)...I've cleaned, rearranged, and organized...I hope that on this vacation I can have fun, go out a few times and basically veg...I will take my sunshine to a few museums when I feel like it...cause you know he never wants to leave once he's here...

but basically I'm in a good space...I have my eye on someone I hope I can pursue...I have one chance next week...if it works, good...if it doesn't, well it wasn't for me...

poppy is having surgery on the 23rd...minor, but still...please put him in your thoughts and prayers...

so that's it for today...off to bed I go...

toodles...

on this thanksgiving

2008-11-27T08:31:00.003-05:00

when you don't have much it seems thats when you're most thankful....
I'm so thankful that I have a home, good friends, a wonderfully annoying family (except for bigbear, my ride and die who NEVER annoys me)...
I'm thankful that poppys healthy this year...that choclahontas got into college...that MMB could be worse during this adolescent phase...she could be doing drugs, having sex, and doing a whole host of other dumb shit...
I'm thankful that I have my chocolate sunshine in my life...he is my pride and joy...
I'm thankful that I have a job that JUST allows me to cover my bills...
I'm thankful that I've made relative peace with idiot...I feel totally free to move on...
I thank God for my health, and my personal wealth...

this day is not about the food, but about being with those you love, and appreciating what you have, and thanking God for it...

2008-11-24T19:10:00.002-05:00

wake up
its a new day
a day we all
prayed for

but how new is this day
when the routine is the same
the pain is the same
the players are the same

but I'm happy
to have been able
to wake up
on this new day

update...

2008-11-24T18:54:00.003-05:00

the parents furniture got delivered on Sat at 5pm...she stayed the weekend at the childrens fathers house where she preceded to get into a physical altercation...I'm going with her on friday to help her put the house in order and build beds...anyone I know is welcome to help me...

MMB is being difficult and defiant for absolutely no fucken reason...she really likes to say things that she knows will hurt my feelings...she really feels that she can live in this world without me at age 14...go right ahead hon...and see how much you like it...oh, I guess I shouldn't say that cause once you dare her, forget it, shes not going to give in...even if it kills her...Ima play her game...no cooking (my food was nasty tonight...she was trying to be nice about it by throwing it away), no waking her up in the morning...no waiting for her when she's dawdling...I'll take her friends...I'm not going to make them suffer for her stupidity (I'm not calling you stupid...just your actions when you're acting up)...
her father was the same way...that's why he's lost so much, and why he can't learn...well all I can say is that life will kick your ass so I don't have to do it...

choclahontas in on the right path...she still needs a job...I told her since it does not look like she's gonna get a job anytime soon with a high school diploma I guess she better make a job...

I made me a small peach cobbler...I guess I should save it for thanksgiving...but I don't know...it smells damn good...and thursdays a few days off...

so that's all folk...

wake up...

2008-11-22T23:14:00.005-05:00

yesterday after school I took a parent to brooklyn so she could let movers into her new apartment...we went, her and her three children...now the children are in a therapeutic for a reason, but thats another story...this parent was in a shelter...she signed her lease for her one bedroom apartment last wednesday...yes, one bedroom for her and her three children...a TINY one bedroom I might add...
so we get to brooklyn...the super asked her "who are you?" she explained that she signed the lease and needed to get the keys to let the movers in...the super stated that he didn't know anything about that and the apartment was not ready for move-in, and never mind the fact that the door did not have a lock...
so stressed, this parent called the landlord...now being a friday afternoon at 3, the landlord was gone for the weekend...
she called the movers...
the movers were supposed to move her between 8 and 12...they showed up at 1:30...she has to pick up her kids at 2:15 (this is why I took her to brooklyn)...the movers assured her that they would wait in front of the house till we got there...
after much back and forth, the movers admitted that they were eating lunch in manhattan and would get there in an hour or so...not acceptable as I had to get back to the city and pick up sunshine...
the parent called the shelter...they told her they were done with her...
she called the landlord...he was still gone...
she called the movers and they told her they would get there...
I was stressing as it was 3:30...
she told the movers that since they were still by the shelter to take her belongings (18 bags) back to the shelter...
she called the shelter...
they told her that they were done with her and if the movers bought her belongs back they would be left on the curb...they also explained that they only pay the movers once so if the movers had to redeliver she was responsible for the cost...
the movers called back and said it was 3:30 and they were off duty...
I was stressed, she was beyond stressed, and the kids were clearly mirroring her feelings...they screamed...all three...at the top of their high pieced voices all the way to manhattan...

I stopped by a picked up idiot as he works a few blocks from the parents new apartment...
I generally let him talk shit, and address it later when he really gets on my nerves but he started in on my driving...the music was on, the kids were screaming and the parent was on the phone...I pulled his coat till we were face to face and I told him calmly but firmly "this is not a friend...this is a client...and don't you DARE talk to me crazy or belittle me in front of my client"...he was shocked...he was quiet as a mouse all the way home...even as I swerved in and out of traffic at a high rate of speed...he just clung quietly to the arm rest and attempted small talk...till he just gave up and fell asleep...

I asked the parent what was she going to do...she said she didn't know...she couldn't go back to the shelter...the apt, by train was over an hour away, and anyway the door had no lock and she had no key...the super didn't believe her story and plus she had nothing to sleep on...I ran inside to get sunshine and when I got back I saw her down the block...with her three kids...
I cried all night...there was nothing I could do at the moment...nobody to call...

I went to choclahontas's house today to give her a microwave and dishes me and bigbear bought her at an apartment sale...she says that everytime I go to her house I start shit...I wanted to help her put the microwave in a place cause I knew that where I left it was where it was gonna stay...I cleaned off the top of the fridge to place it there but it was too high...
choclahontas told me she saw a mouse...I moved some bags on the side of the fridge and there was a lot of mouse feces...I moved the fridge and it looked like a tribe of mice used the bathroom...I started looking around...uncovered old exposed food...dirty dishes...crackers...broken glass...and a lot of mouse feces...so I started to clean...I started to build the microwave cart so she would have more space to put stuff...her room mate came home and decided he was going to bed...he threw everything off the couch on the floor...messing up what I was doing...it got "too much" for my dear child and she took off "to buy food"...

man, this hurts my heart...here this parent is god knows where with her three children and choclahontas has the world given to her...an apartment...rent paid for...and she can't respect it...not even for her kid...the dust, garbage, mouse feces is enough that if I were a visiting social worker I would call ACS...she was upset that she was "cooped up all day" and "why did you come here to start shit"...

I took sunshine home...where he will live with me until she cleans that house from top to bottom...I told her how dare she disrespect what she has when this parent is struggling to give her children a warm place to sleep this weekend, with no belonging because everything was on the truck...
I can't in good conscious let sunshine live like that...because he was exposed to the mouse feces that I moved he is now wheezing...
but to choclahontas I'm just being "extra" and "starting shit"...

choclahontas came to my house bout a half hour later...she explained to me what was going on...said that when the room mate cleans he never moves things...admitted that she has no cleaning skills but she was working really hard to develop them...she said she was thinking bout the parent...said that she really didn't want to disrespect her house and she really thanks God for what she has...we had a wonderful talk over tea...

it's true what they say bout the development of the pre frontal cortex...

I'm fucken Pissed...

2008-11-21T10:54:00.004-05:00

after spending 165 on a multi-use charger the lap top is not working...it won't boot up...SHIT SHIT SHIT...
I swear...I'm bout the throw the thing in the garbage...

I'm pissed
that the world
does not go according
to my plan

I'm pissed
that for every step
I take
I always seem
to stumble and drop
my bundle of progress

I'm pissed
that money
is always an issue
an open sore
a festering wound

I'm pissed
that my children
are giving me grays
silver is spouting faster
than the spring weeds

boy oh boy
am I pissed
that I'm not
slim
trim
rich
and married

but I'm not pissed
because
I'm blessed

blessed that I can take that step
blessed that I can pick up my bundle
blessed that time heals all wounds
blessed that gray hair signifies
knowledge, wisdom
blessed that my children
are with me
to annoy me
blessed that I can
carry a heavy load
cause I'm strong
happy
loved

rants for today...

2008-11-17T21:31:00.002-05:00

I hate self centered vindictive folk...
I told you before, the director of my site (who is not my boss) gets clothing donations from a clothes bank...brand new designer stuff...a couple of days ago she got nine big bags of clothes...nice shit too...now director always goes through the bags first...then she calls all her people (all the head teachers are folk from her country) and they get to chose...wildfire, who sits in the office, often gets to look thru...sometimes I get to look...but not this time...for some reason director was mad at me...whatever...so after all these folk paw through the stuff that's free and for the parents, she puts out the ugly, non name brand size 20 shit...
now when I look thru the bags, I always grab something for my teachers, kids in my room who might need, the girls, then myself...I even pull out things wildfire might have missed for her...
I'm used to directors bullshit, but wildfire got on my nerves...i noticed she never looks out for me...she got a ton of shit and never even offered me a shirt (though I noticed she had multiples of the same NICE shirt)...wildfire is a packrat...and half the stuff she takes sits in my closet at work...for months...what an ass...I stopped looking out for her a while ago when I first peeped her card...don't profess to be my friend then act shady...now to be fair she buys me my roll and tea almost every morning, but shit I'm the only one who goes to the store, so it evens out...

speaking of...I tired of this freakin weight...I wish I lived on a farm where I was forced to do manual labor...I eat well and I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing...since I have chocolate in the afternoon I can't get to the gym...by the time I get him home it's four-thirty and I snagged the last parking spot on the block...to move my car means I will be looking for parking for at least an hour...shit...

so what's a fat girl to do...dress well, do the hair and live life...I'm not ugly so that helps...

so those are my rants for the day...not bad considering it could be much worse...

helloooooo

2008-11-16T21:36:00.002-05:00

I'm back...broke down and got an universal adapter from bestbuy..it was expensive BUT it comes with a car adapter so when we take the long car trips the back can plug in and leave me the fuck alone...and also when you have a best buy card they only charge you about 10.00 a month...win win...

but I'm once again able to blog from my dining room table, or my bed, or where ever I chose...

a lot has been going on in my life and I'm not quite sure how much I will/can share...folk get testy sometimes when they feel I'm blowing them up in cyberville...its not my intention, I just am speaking what I feel...so for the sake of peace I might just talk generally, not say anything at all (which is my norm), start a blog that no one I know will be invited to (so I can really vent), or just say fuck it and say what I gotta say and folks got to deal with it...

it's been so long that I don't know where to start, but it will come out in bits and pieces...

I will start by saying that the blob showed his ass...it's not that I know it all- as MMB would say- it's just that I get feelings about folk or situations that generally come to pass...he's crazy, his mama's crazy and his aunts crazy...my dear daughter has dodged a serious bullet...and so far has walked out with her life...

MMB is 14...the bottom of the barrel...if I can make it through 14 I will survive...it's all uphill from here...if you have girls you will understand what I'm talking about...but the silver white hairs are popping out at an alarming rate...I'm allergic to hair color, so I have to decide, white hair or allergy bumps...

the idiot and I have made peace...its the sex that fucks us up...ugh, I don't even want to have sex with him, but I can tolerate him otherwise...I told him "no sex unless we marry, no marriage unless you disclose your complete credit and financial status, and since you will do neither NO SEX"...but we've had the best two weeks or so of 25 years...he paid for my sunshines birthday party...he was PRESENT for his party...he gave MMB money for her birthday...he was PRESENT for her birthday...I've seen him more than I saw him when we were "dating"...he was there for the blob drama, and even STEPPED to the blob...the idiot is all mouth and little action...WOW...I can't ask for more...he and choclahontas are on the road to recovery...um, MMB is not so forgiving, but that's on them, he has a lot to prove to her...
maybe he can move in and pay half the rent...JUST JOKING MMB AND BEARMAIDEN...please don't get your panties in a bunch...I can see and hear the comments now...

I was asked to teach full time at the college...I think I can swing it where I can hold two full time jobs...it will be rough over the winter, but I need something to keep me busy...I HATE winter and need motivation to move around...but the good thing is that I get summers of from both jobs (well, the school I work the first six weeks)...shit, with two paychecks and no work...pow wow trail here I come!!!!!!
it's still in negotiation, so we will see...

anywho, I'm tired...since the blob is out my darlings life, she is in mine...and man does she make me tired...when her and chocolate are together it's like a whirlwind...like youre in the middle of a hurricane...

good night...sweet dreams...don't let the bed bugs bite...(when I was little I thought bed bugs were cute little things that tickle you...um, one of my kids in school had bed bugs...those little bastard are vicious!!!!)

2008-11-05T09:20:00.005-05:00

All I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

we can go to college
we can make a difference
our voices can be heard
all I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

we worked for four hundred years
and now a descendant of those who built the white house
can now live in the white house
a descendant of those who built Washington
can now claim Washington
and all I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

our voice is finally heard
above the roar
calm cool collected
ever mindful that all are watching
but we are strong
finally united as one
and all I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

before I start working...

2008-10-27T09:04:00.003-04:00

...still don't have a laptop...thanks all for the adapter information...I just can't, at this time, afford one...

I want to throw a few things out there...

1. in response to Bearmaiden...my kids are driving me crazy...you are so right when you say my kids don't fear me...and they really do think I'm all talk...but I have found that with girls you got to sneak attack...let them think they got the upper hand, than BAM, you take that shit away...
living with a high needs child is extremely draining...trying to keep the balance between a child who demands the attention, and one who is passive aggressive is REALLY draining...that on top of trying to feed your family and not max out your credit card cause you might have to pay rent on that bitch is EXTREMELY draining...
I really choose my battles...I just physically don't have the energy to fight everything...but like I tell the girls, life is gonna kick your ass if I don't, so I'm not stressing it...I'm trying to make your life easier, I tell them, but I have a life that doesn't have to involve you...
but I'm tired...however I'm like the turtle, slow and steady wins the race...

2. It was horrible about the murder of Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother...I'm not professing to be psychic and I'm probably wrong, but I have a few nagging feelings that I can't shake so I'm putting it out there...
I believe the sister is strongly involved...I also see her son in a small tight dark place...like under the house, in a bin, freezer, car trunk or something of that nature, I also see a lot of grass and shrubbery around him and I feel he's really close to home...almost under their noses...I believed he ran in fear and felt he was alive, but last night I got the distinct feeling he's dead...I do have a scenario of how this could have happened but I'm not putting that out there...I saw it play out in my mind...now folk, remember, I only know what you know and I'm sure I'm 100% off track, but I told you I would be honest and tell you when something came to me...

3. why the fuck am I broke...I'm going over my budget again and again, and I can't figure out where my moneys going...well I can...I used to be able to feed me and MMB on 65 a week...I realized, as I charged groceries, that I'm spending 100 a week on the same shit...also gas is killing me...but this morning gas was 3.05 a gallon...that should help...

so folk, I'm going to work...going to work with my littlies and their issues that don't pale in comparison to mine...

2008-10-24T12:27:00.005-04:00

this was a comment I left on another blog...I'm feeling so down I'm going to repost it...

I make 41,000 a year at two jobs…I have a masters and work full time…I'm a single mom with one child in my home and the other living down the street with my grandson…my rent is 50% of my income…my student loans have morphed from 37,000 in 2004 to 63,000 to date…they want me to pay 300 a month…I cant so I have to apply for an economic deferment which will make my loan amount grow...
it takes 90 a week to fill up my car…but I make too much for any kind of help…they are what you’d call middle class…but in reality I’m poor…I’m fighting to not live on my credit card…I have no food…don’t buy clothes and can’t get my hair and nails done…
with 150,000 I could pay off all my bills…make a dent in my student loans…put some money aside for a few months emergency rent…get some much needed clothes and put some savings away...

folk just don't care...I guess cause I'm "that one" I'm lazy, shiftless and if I worked harder I could have what they have...but what can I do? if I pack up and move elsewhere will it really be better? will my living be better?

MMB took my bank card and took my last 10.00...and is denying it even when the evidence is stacked against her...choclahontas is hanging on to folk that are not benefiting her...pita (chocolates father) is attempting to dictate to me what I'm supposed to do with his kid...I told him I only follow the court order...
I have no money which means 1.)I have to pay my car insurance, food and house supplies on my credit card and 2.)I have no money...period...

so folk, will moving be better? I have known to be "impetuous" and "impulsive" and do shit...I'm ready to pack up...not pay a months rent and get the fuck out of dodge...but again, will it really be better?
will MMB stop trying to act like I'm the worst mother in the world who denies her needs and "put her on the back burner"? will choclahontas stop acting like the folk I took her from as a baby? will chocolate have a better life? will I ultimately have a better life?

quickly...

2008-10-21T09:10:00.002-04:00

...I never said I was going to marry idiot...Im the type, and have learned it's ok, to revisit a situation until I have completed that stage...although it's nice that idiot and I can sit in peace does not mean that I would ever go back to him...while sitting in peace with all the anger gone, I realized I really don't like him...
then some new shit came to light...sexoffenderken, his son, is disgusting...and idiot is disgusting because he basically co-signs his son's behavior...it's one thing to be gay, it's another to be a pedophile...so now that man and his son could get shot down in the street and I would step over the body...maybe I might even go through their pockets and take their money as they lay dying...I'm a cold bitch...I give MANY chances cause when your cut off it's for life...

I gave choclahontas an ultimatum...clear your house of the leeches by November 1st or you lose your apartment...I will change the locks and that bitch will be on the street...told it to the blob...told him if you care so much bout her you will step off cause if you don't she will be homeless in the street with you...told him he can tell it too her like it's his idea, but I'm not playing...dude tried to play me...thought cause I'm educated I was street dumb...had to lay it on him raw...told him if I could shoot him and get away with it I would...that's how deep the hate is...but told him I wouldnt waste my life, ruin my career and family for trash like him...
later she said in conversation "the blob said he's going to go home so I can get myself together...he doesn't want to see me lose everything"...said it like he didn't tell her of the conversation...

folk, every so often you got to clean house...clear out the parasites...start over...

MMB decided to cut school...I'm going to leave that alone for a little while...but I will tell you this...I didn't rant, rave or establish some punishment that I can't follow thru on...but I'm a Jewish mother...the guilt I will lay on you is more than enough...and at strange times I will revisit what you did..."oh, you can't do that...remember? you cut school last month"...or "you can't stay home today...you already took your day off...what your sick and can't breath? oh well, die in school...they will call the ambulance"...

so folk, life is a book...this chapter is labeled 'cleaning house'...I can't wait to see what the next chapter is about...

my love

2008-10-16T13:37:00.003-04:00

I have a headache...
the girls are being, well, girls...but my sunshine is being my sunshine...

I love that kid...he is funny as hell...he spends Wednesday nights when choclahontas goes to her class...so we sleep together...he kicks, moves, shreds tissue...but before he goes to sleep we talk..."muma, what's your mommys name?" "huh" "whats your mommys name"...I tell him, he repeats and starts to giggle..."I know your name Muma"..."what is it" I ask...he tells me...I've started telling him my phone number...I told him "don't kick me and don't pee in my bed"..."you take me home?" "yup"..."ok muma" "I love you baby, good night, here let me get you noshey" "oh thank you muma, thank you" "muma, I do peepee...ok? you no take me home" "ok baby...thanks, muma doesn't wanna sleep in a wet bed" "no, muma, that nashty"...
the other night he spent the night...I wanted him to watch real t.v. and not just his shows, so we watched a show on training dogs..."I like the dogs muma"...so he dozed, sucked his thumb and shredded tissue...the next morning I wanted to put on his shoes...he was running around...very firmly I said "come here...come...come here sunshine"...he stopped, looked at me and said "I no dog muma"...I fell out..."I sounded like the dog trainer?" "yeah muma, I no dog"...
so last night he was so careful not to kick me in the back...about four he said "muma, I got to pee"...he did his business and said "it's your turn muma...do peepee toilet, ok muma? wipe now"...
you got to love him...

ahhh life...

2008-10-14T13:45:00.002-04:00

...where do I start?

still don't have an adapter for the laptop...it's 134.00...I just can't afford it...I'm desperately trying not to use my credit card...I paid off the balance in July, and I already owe about 4,500...not cool...my credit limits 6000...got to save space for a real emergency (like a mnths rent)...If I don't use the card and pay 165 a month I can pay it off in 36 months...so no extra shit...and NO MARSHALS...damn...
if anyone has an extra adapter for an Dell Inspiron 710 laying around can I buy it? hopefully not for 134.00...

student loans...that's another issue...when I graduated grad school in 2004 I owed 37000...I know owe 64000...when will this shit end...oh, and by the way I only make 40,000 a year...shit, I should have kept doing hair and not gone to school...I could milked the system and have a better life...a parent in my school gets 430 in foodstamps...ok, she only gets 75.00 every two weeks, but shit, at least she's eating well...I'm down to just condiments in the fridge...think Ima hit up a food pantry or two...

my kids...love to hate them...moodmagicbarbie (mmb) AKA rebelliousbelligerentbarbie (rbb)is entering the darkest pit of adolescence...14 is the depth of hell for a parent of a girl...it's uphill from here, I keep telling myself...OMG...I'm just not going to argue...if you talk over me you will miss important information and you will miss out...I have learned that you will not win...just like you will NEVER win an argument with a two year old...NEVER...I will put my foot down when I have too, otherwise I will let the sleeping beast lay...
choclahontas...she's a piece of work...remember Spike Lee? WAKE UP...she's going to be 22 soon...she needs to shit or get off the pot cause I don't take care of grown folk who don't take care of themselves...don't care if you are my kid...

bearmaiden said "I love my mommy"...I do too...she's my sanity, my reality check, my ride or die, my buddy...I don't need a ride or die, I got one...Lord, when God calls her to the big pow wow we are ALL going to need HEAVY medication...for a LONG TIME...

idiot...I've known him since I was 16, I'm 40...24 years...we've been fucking on and off for 19 years...I know him and he knows me...inside out...I hate him and he hates me "I never hated you...believe me" he said the other day...we have decided that we are family...even if we never get back together...we are forever linked...we screamed it out the other day...instead of him getting belligerent (like his kid)and leaving, he stayed...he listened, I listened...he talked and I talked...I, from the bottom of my heart, am encouraging him to make it work with his girlfriend...but she doesn't get him...and being family, no matter how I feel about him, only I can fuck with him and tear him down...nobody else has that right...cause at the end of the day I'm going to build him back up...
sex is always an issue...he's fat bald, with missing teeth and fucked up feet, but for some reason we can't keep off each other...maybe it's familiarity, or comfort...I dont know...but I told him "you want me, I get a big fat ring with a license attached"...it's been too long folks...I can't do it again...the back and forth...AND I'M STICKING BY THAT...
at least I can make his cheap ass pay half the rent and a bill...and I know he won't molest my girls...and his kids are grown and on their own so I don't have to worry bout me having to raise his kids...(even though I raised them)...and I can't get his SS and retirement...lol...

lets be real folk...marriage is never about love, but business...I think that's where folk get fucked up...the "love" thing...if you love someone you enough you enter a legal business deal with them...you can love someone and never marry, but then you can't hold them to shit...

so at the end of the day, I felt peace settle on us...we sat next to each other playing solitaire intermittently on our phones while he watched t.v and I read...after peace settled we stayed that way for about an hour...not talking...till we said simultaneously "I'm hungry"...made food...sat at the table, ate together, then the moment passed...it was time for him to go...I was ready and so was he...

see folk, that's the other thing...even if you marry, dude better have another home...I really don't want to look at you 24/7...poppy always had an "office" he went too "to write"...yeah right, but ok...he escaped and gave bigbear a break...good man...

so are we "working it out"? hell no...do I want to marry him? hell no...am I comfortable with him? yes, I am...do I want to do whats in the best interest of my family? yes I do...MY FAMILY...my kids and his kids and my grandson and soon to be granddaughter...have I grown? yes...has he grown? surprising yes...
so one day at a time...one step at a time...if it's written than so it shall be...

so that's life in a nutshell...I miss yoga...haven't been in two weeks...but I'm walking...I said I'm going to walk four miles at least twice a week...more if I can...I seem to have lost six pounds already...I do feel better and my hair has stopped falling out...

so life goes on...forward ever, backwards never...living life forever a lady...

still here...

2008-10-10T08:59:00.002-04:00

my laptop is still not working, and I have to chill a while on my credit card so I haven't bought a new plug/adapter yet...

...the world is going to hell in a hand basket...I have no money (I know, who does) but I'm not stressed...we've been poor before, so it does not scare me...

MMB is almost fourteen, and with that age comes rebellion, story-telling, cutting class...it's hard to talk to her cause she is so belligerent...she interrupts and talks simultaneously...drives me crazy...I chose not to speak to her cause if I do I'ma beat her ass...but I got thru choclahontas and I will get thru her...

there is so much other stuff swirling I can't/don't have the time to sort it out to write...

so later for now...

Play action fake - Columns

2008-10-03T12:20:00.000-04:00

very interesting take...hopefully it wont come to pass

Play action fake - Columns

health update...

2008-10-02T16:39:00.002-04:00

well folk, I'm healthy as a horse!!!!! no polycystic ovarian syndrome, no diabetes (yea), nothing except i'm in menopause...early, but past peri...so I got birth control pills to regulate and stop the progression at the moment...
I'm happy cause I'm not planning to pop out any more babies!!! and I'm happy cause it's nothing serious...

again quickly....

2008-10-02T11:50:00.007-04:00

...my laptop is still out...work is crazy...didn't get to see any kids today with back to back phone calls...which isn't good cause my pay is generated by me seeing kids...what the hell, I'm trying to fill the classroom so they can get over it...

I had a wonderful day yesterday...baby got out the hospital...they were literally holding him hostage...he wasn't wheezing so I don't know what the issue was...well I do know...medicade pays the bill so they were squeezing all they could out of the budget...everyone's feeling the crunch...this hospital just lost a lot of money with the 911 fund being shelved...

but after we picked up chocolate we hooked up with idiot...we did not ride to MD cause I didn't call him the day before (duh, why didn't he call me? but whatever) he overnited whatever money he had to pay...so we hooked up with him, me MMB, choclahontas and their sister disneybarb (whose 17 and pregnant...but she's my babygirl so I'm going to support her decision)...idiot was with the other brother (disneybarbs full brother), I forgot the name I gave him...I think it was sexoffenderken (SOK)...but he's grown and actually calmed down...

so after sexoffenderken finished his physical, nobody wanted to part...I observed the hesitation on all parts so I quickly said "I'm going home to cook"...everyone jumped on it and money was put together and we split into two cars...SOK, idiot, MMB and chocolate going home and me, choclahontas and disneybarb heading to the supermarket...

together we cooked dinner...idiot and I made lamb ribs (only the second time in 24 years that we've cooked together), disneybarb and I made spaghetti, with me teaching her how to make fresh pasta sauce, choclahontas made a cake with a raspberry topping...we all gathered in the kitchen, laughing, joking...MMB's best friend was there as was divacuntbitchken...

we ate, washed dishes...chocolate calling idiot "grandpops" after ignoring idiots repeated attempts to make friends..."hey baby" grandpops said...chocolate has a way of ignoring you..."hi uncle 'sexoffenderken'"...everytime idiot talked to him, chocolate would look at him and then address his uncle...boy kids can make their point...idiot said "so do you think he's mad cause I'm not around?"...uh, yeah...

MMB was happy (locked in her room with calmingponybarbie (you know how they have the pony to calm the racehorses? thats the effect MMB's best friend has on her), choclahontas was cuddled with her daddy, and the siblings were not fighting...

so even if it was just a moment in time, it was beautiful and I will cherish it...disneybarb said later as she was leaving "what a wonderful bonding time we had...thank you and I love you"...that makes it all worthwhile...

so now I'm off to the doctor to get test results...

HELLO...

2008-09-29T20:57:00.004-04:00

I have to blog at bearmaiden's house cause I lent my laptop to choclahontas, she tripped over the cord and broke it...so I can't charge my computer...my lifeline...work has been to busy to blog...so briefly here is where my mind is...

I'm not really into politics, but for the first time I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, watching CNN as much as my father and grandfather...watching debates...
Palin is a joke, but just cause the nation refuses to accept the knowledge of a black man we are really facing four years of an idiot and his beauty queen sidekick...she really makes us women look bad...

the caseload at my therapeutic nursery is crazy...no, not the kids- the parents...when I have more time I will explain case by case (with name and identifying details changed of course)...

chocolate is in the hospital cause some smart person gave him cheesecake...choclahontas ate a crabcake that the hospital served baby and now she's in emergency...

so I'm going to eat Chinese...when I get a chance I will blog in more detail...

btw...had a talk with idiot...he wanted to have a nice conversation at his request...he really tried...asked me to go with him to maryland for the day...shityeah I'm going...takes me out of NYC for a day on his dime...he must be up to something...I promise to tell when I find out...I've known this man for 25 years and I know him WELL...probably better than he knows himself...

a little fun...

2008-09-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

most is true except I'm not envious...

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

health update

2008-09-18T22:04:00.002-04:00

I've not given up...every time I go to the dr, no matter if its the primary dr or my GYN I tell them I have an issue, I gain weight for no reason even though I eat well, I exercise if all I do is walk, usually they tell me just eat well, walk more, it's nothing wrong...the attitude has been you're just obese, get over it...

trust your body...if you feel something is off don't take the dr's word when they say it's in your head...

so finally I got paid attention...I started having irregular periods...the answer was either I was in premenopause (I'm not), its your thyroid (it's not) or it's ok, it happens, it will even out...

well after having only two periods this year my GYN paid attention...I emailed a lot her documenting my issues...
I'm getting a blood test in the morning to confirm a diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome...look it up, but long story short I have cysts in my ovaries that stop ovulation which somehow ends up producing too much insulin in my body...I'm also being tested for diabetes...
it's a vicious cycle, I gain weight which exacerbates the condition which causes me to gain more weight...so I'm up to 196...but the GYN said that in addition to taking estrogen I will be on diabetes medication which will help me lose weight...I'm assuming that once I get to a healthy weight I can discontinue the medication...
I'm continuing with yoga, which I love and I'm joining weight watchers tomorrow...I went to a meeting last week and I liked it...

I'm really happy...everyone has something, but it's good to know what that something is...my greatest fear is cancer so anything else I can easily deal with (I could deal with cancer if I was faced with it...poppy survived so I know I would)...if this diagnosis is correct then I can do what I need to do to stay healthy...

PCOS and even type 2 diabetes are controllable with diet, weight and exercise...I'm already on the right track so I'm not worried about that...

but I can't express how I feel...I feel like a two ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders...I can't wait to feel "normal" again...to not get on the scale and see I've gained ten pounds in two weeks that I can't attribute to eating a whole cake or a pint of ice cream (I don't eat either items)...

so pray for me...pray that this is the issue so I can start the process of healing...

I am angry and resentful

2008-09-16T13:41:00.002-04:00

at the moment cause I'm tired of struggling...it's not like I don't bust my ass...I currently have two jobs, one part time (I'm teaching only one class this semester) and my day job that is falling apart...

I drive down the FDR every morning...I see fab and expensive cars...young folk driving Mercedes and BMW's, Volvo's, Bentley's even...and I ask "where the fuck are they getting the money?"

I have a masters, I have years of experience, I BUST MY ASS...why do I have two jobs and looking for a third to SURVIVE...I don't understand it...

I don't take days off, I rarely slack on the job...I got a "late start" in my career but I more than made up for it putting in sweat and labor...so what the fuck is the issue...

I don't sleep all day, I don't make excuses as to why I can't take a job, and every job I do I make it my business to learn it and excel at it...
so why are some folk so successful and I'm not? is it because I'm a woman? is it because my skin is brown? is it because I don't wear matching tank tops and cardigans with gap pants?

At this stage in life I can not take the risk to open my own business...I don't have the start up money, nor can I take the time needed to build revenue...I have to pay my rent which is going up 96.50 in two months...

so what gives? do I pack up and move out of state? is it really better? do I sell my soul to the devil? do I sell drugs?

so I sit and work, annoyed that folk are not doing what they need to survive, but focusing on me cause I need to survive and wondering if this election is really going to make a difference...

fuck Bush....

2008-09-12T14:21:00.004-04:00

...we had our talk...cause of the economy, in order for me to have and retain health benefits I have to work 35 hours a week...when I was hired I only worked 28 and had benefits...my job is driven by my clinical hours, as it stands today, is only 6 hours per week...I love my director cause she tries everything in her power to make things work...but reality is now I have to document my day, wildfire has to do her job (which takes hours away from me)and hope and pray bosslady finds a way...
the education department does not take into consideration all I do, and they say I can achieve all I do in three days...
you know I will do my best...no talking, blogging, playing on facebook (which I do minimally anyway, except talk)...

Thanks Bush...I hope we don't have much of the same for the next four years...here I am with two jobs, searching for a third, and I still can't make ends meet...it's almost better if I let them cut me to three days, or work fee for service and get medicade and foodstamps...I bet Bush and his kids/relatives or oldmanMcCain and his friends and relations don't have these issues or worries...let alone Palin who used tax payer dollars to take her daughter to NY and lives lovely on taxpayer money...btw, has anyone heard if she has a masters? I read that she went to six undergrads in six years, changing her major along the way...

my life is on the upswing....

2008-09-12T09:45:00.005-04:00

...sometimes it's not worth complaining because things just work themselves out...
MMB came to her senses...actually she was very apprehensive about starting high school and she has major issues with anticipation...so now that we are in the second week of school she has settled into her groove...she survived freshman friday, partly because she does not look like a freshman...

choclahontas did the right thing, stepped up to the plate and got rid of all the leeches in her life...now all she needs is a job...

and idiot...I'm not impressed by him, nor am I afraid of him...I tell him the truth...most times he does not want to hear it and becomes belligerent...but like I told him, at the end of the day I'm all you have...I'm the only one who will keep it real with you, and knowing your for 25 years, I know you inside and out so cut the shit...you better step up to the plate and fix yourself...man up to your fuck ups cause Lord knows I man up every time I screw up...

this morning we had a really nice talk about disneybarbie being pregnant...she's 17...I was the first to know but he's never acknowledge the pregnancy to me...so this morning he did...and even admitted that he really doesnt know how to handle it...as far as his relationship with MMB at this point, I realized he's scared of her...he does not know how to approach her...not making an excuse for him cause being daddy he needs to figure that shit out...and quickly...cause MMB is unforgiving...but under that she as soft as vanilla ice cream...she's like me, a porcupine...we poke folk to protect our underbelly...
I always say there's hope for him...like bearmaiden with thecat, I've seen the other side...I've rubbed the soft underbelly...it's ok to be a girlyman...but I'm not settling for less, especially when it comes to my kids...

so the job is ok...the "talk" was not what I thought...they want me, they need me...I was cut a day, but the other director hired me as a consultant for 2 1/2 a week which will roughly give me my missing wages...I'm looking for a paying gig (part time), but in the mean time I'm going to volunteer...I've applied to CASA(court appointed special advocates), which is a volunteer court appointed guardian ad litem, working as an advocate for foster children to help them obscure safe permanent housing...gotta do something, if I stayed home, my house would be a different color every week...

so back to work...actually I have nothing to do today but I will pretend...

so I'm not happy....

2008-09-08T13:57:00.003-04:00

but just because I'm not happy does not mean that life needs to end...
I truly believe that our lives are prewritten, and that at every step we have many choices...but once we make our choice that path is written until we take another step...
so right now I'm standing still...things are hovering, but nothing has landed...so at the moment I have few choices...
there are things out of my control that I just am not going to deal with...I have just enough energy to live my life and keep MMB on the straight and narrow, and everything else can fall by the wayside...

I am riding Idiots ass cause he needs to be a father...he failed MMB in her childhood and he better be here now...he's not gonna stay away then come smiling back when the waters grow calm...I hold him accountable to everything...good and bad...cause when he does good I let him know...like taming a wild dog...

so later for now...I'm awaiting the "talk" with bosslady and clinical director sometime this week...have no idea what it could be about, but I have a few ideas...none of which will benefit me...

hey blogfolk...

2008-09-06T14:02:00.003-04:00

...I've been gone for a while, and for the moment I'm back...
I am struggling with stuff...choclahontas, MMB, my job and my newly found out lack of funds...the job cut me a day...

so I'm not happy, but since I have not figured out a path or plan it doesnt make sense to complain but just live each day as it comes...
I also don't feel well...I've only had my period twice this year...I'm tired as hell, bloated and my weight is a few pounds shy of 200...despite going to yoga and trying to walk as much as possible, and being super conscious of my food intake...I have two doctors appts coming up so hopefully they can figure something out...

so I'm not happy...but I know one day I will be looking back on this time...