before I start working...

...still don't have a laptop...thanks all for the adapter information...I just can't, at this time, afford one...

I want to throw a few things out there...

1. in response to Bearmaiden...my kids are driving me crazy...you are so right when you say my kids don't fear me...and they really do think I'm all talk...but I have found that with girls you got to sneak attack...let them think they got the upper hand, than BAM, you take that shit away...
living with a high needs child is extremely draining...trying to keep the balance between a child who demands the attention, and one who is passive aggressive is REALLY draining...that on top of trying to feed your family and not max out your credit card cause you might have to pay rent on that bitch is EXTREMELY draining...
I really choose my battles...I just physically don't have the energy to fight everything...but like I tell the girls, life is gonna kick your ass if I don't, so I'm not stressing it...I'm trying to make your life easier, I tell them, but I have a life that doesn't have to involve you...
but I'm tired...however I'm like the turtle, slow and steady wins the race...

2. It was horrible about the murder of Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother...I'm not professing to be psychic and I'm probably wrong, but I have a few nagging feelings that I can't shake so I'm putting it out there...
I believe the sister is strongly involved...I also see her son in a small tight dark place...like under the house, in a bin, freezer, car trunk or something of that nature, I also see a lot of grass and shrubbery around him and I feel he's really close to home...almost under their noses...I believed he ran in fear and felt he was alive, but last night I got the distinct feeling he's dead...I do have a scenario of how this could have happened but I'm not putting that out there...I saw it play out in my mind...now folk, remember, I only know what you know and I'm sure I'm 100% off track, but I told you I would be honest and tell you when something came to me...

3. why the fuck am I broke...I'm going over my budget again and again, and I can't figure out where my moneys going...well I can...I used to be able to feed me and MMB on 65 a week...I realized, as I charged groceries, that I'm spending 100 a week on the same shit...also gas is killing me...but this morning gas was 3.05 a gallon...that should help...

so folk, I'm going to work...going to work with my littlies and their issues that don't pale in comparison to mine...

this was a comment I left on another blog...I'm feeling so down I'm going to repost it...

I make 41,000 a year at two jobs…I have a masters and work full time…I'm a single mom with one child in my home and the other living down the street with my grandson…my rent is 50% of my income…my student loans have morphed from 37,000 in 2004 to 63,000 to date…they want me to pay 300 a month…I cant so I have to apply for an economic deferment which will make my loan amount grow...
it takes 90 a week to fill up my car…but I make too much for any kind of help…they are what you’d call middle class…but in reality I’m poor…I’m fighting to not live on my credit card…I have no food…don’t buy clothes and can’t get my hair and nails done…
with 150,000 I could pay off all my bills…make a dent in my student loans…put some money aside for a few months emergency rent…get some much needed clothes and put some savings away...

folk just don't care...I guess cause I'm "that one" I'm lazy, shiftless and if I worked harder I could have what they have...but what can I do? if I pack up and move elsewhere will it really be better? will my living be better?

MMB took my bank card and took my last 10.00...and is denying it even when the evidence is stacked against her...choclahontas is hanging on to folk that are not benefiting her...pita (chocolates father) is attempting to dictate to me what I'm supposed to do with his kid...I told him I only follow the court order...
I have no money which means 1.)I have to pay my car insurance, food and house supplies on my credit card and 2.)I have no money...period...

so folk, will moving be better? I have known to be "impetuous" and "impulsive" and do shit...I'm ready to pack up...not pay a months rent and get the fuck out of dodge...but again, will it really be better?
will MMB stop trying to act like I'm the worst mother in the world who denies her needs and "put her on the back burner"? will choclahontas stop acting like the folk I took her from as a baby? will chocolate have a better life? will I ultimately have a better life?

quickly...

...I never said I was going to marry idiot...Im the type, and have learned it's ok, to revisit a situation until I have completed that stage...although it's nice that idiot and I can sit in peace does not mean that I would ever go back to him...while sitting in peace with all the anger gone, I realized I really don't like him...
then some new shit came to light...sexoffenderken, his son, is disgusting...and idiot is disgusting because he basically co-signs his son's behavior...it's one thing to be gay, it's another to be a pedophile...so now that man and his son could get shot down in the street and I would step over the body...maybe I might even go through their pockets and take their money as they lay dying...I'm a cold bitch...I give MANY chances cause when your cut off it's for life...

I gave choclahontas an ultimatum...clear your house of the leeches by November 1st or you lose your apartment...I will change the locks and that bitch will be on the street...told it to the blob...told him if you care so much bout her you will step off cause if you don't she will be homeless in the street with you...told him he can tell it too her like it's his idea, but I'm not playing...dude tried to play me...thought cause I'm educated I was street dumb...had to lay it on him raw...told him if I could shoot him and get away with it I would...that's how deep the hate is...but told him I wouldnt waste my life, ruin my career and family for trash like him...
later she said in conversation "the blob said he's going to go home so I can get myself together...he doesn't want to see me lose everything"...said it like he didn't tell her of the conversation...

folk, every so often you got to clean house...clear out the parasites...start over...

MMB decided to cut school...I'm going to leave that alone for a little while...but I will tell you this...I didn't rant, rave or establish some punishment that I can't follow thru on...but I'm a Jewish mother...the guilt I will lay on you is more than enough...and at strange times I will revisit what you did..."oh, you can't do that...remember? you cut school last month"...or "you can't stay home today...you already took your day off...what your sick and can't breath? oh well, die in school...they will call the ambulance"...

so folk, life is a book...this chapter is labeled 'cleaning house'...I can't wait to see what the next chapter is about...

my love

I have a headache...
the girls are being, well, girls...but my sunshine is being my sunshine...

I love that kid...he is funny as hell...he spends Wednesday nights when choclahontas goes to her class...so we sleep together...he kicks, moves, shreds tissue...but before he goes to sleep we talk..."muma, what's your mommys name?" "huh" "whats your mommys name"...I tell him, he repeats and starts to giggle..."I know your name Muma"..."what is it" I ask...he tells me...I've started telling him my phone number...I told him "don't kick me and don't pee in my bed"..."you take me home?" "yup"..."ok muma" "I love you baby, good night, here let me get you noshey" "oh thank you muma, thank you" "muma, I do peepee...ok? you no take me home" "ok baby...thanks, muma doesn't wanna sleep in a wet bed" "no, muma, that nashty"...
the other night he spent the night...I wanted him to watch real t.v. and not just his shows, so we watched a show on training dogs..."I like the dogs muma"...so he dozed, sucked his thumb and shredded tissue...the next morning I wanted to put on his shoes...he was running around...very firmly I said "come here...come...come here sunshine"...he stopped, looked at me and said "I no dog muma"...I fell out..."I sounded like the dog trainer?" "yeah muma, I no dog"...
so last night he was so careful not to kick me in the back...about four he said "muma, I got to pee"...he did his business and said "it's your turn muma...do peepee toilet, ok muma? wipe now"...
you got to love him...

ahhh life...

...where do I start?

still don't have an adapter for the laptop...it's 134.00...I just can't afford it...I'm desperately trying not to use my credit card...I paid off the balance in July, and I already owe about 4,500...not cool...my credit limits 6000...got to save space for a real emergency (like a mnths rent)...If I don't use the card and pay 165 a month I can pay it off in 36 months...so no extra shit...and NO MARSHALS...damn...
if anyone has an extra adapter for an Dell Inspiron 710 laying around can I buy it? hopefully not for 134.00...

student loans...that's another issue...when I graduated grad school in 2004 I owed 37000...I know owe 64000...when will this shit end...oh, and by the way I only make 40,000 a year...shit, I should have kept doing hair and not gone to school...I could milked the system and have a better life...a parent in my school gets 430 in foodstamps...ok, she only gets 75.00 every two weeks, but shit, at least she's eating well...I'm down to just condiments in the fridge...think Ima hit up a food pantry or two...

my kids...love to hate them...moodmagicbarbie (mmb) AKA rebelliousbelligerentbarbie (rbb)is entering the darkest pit of adolescence...14 is the depth of hell for a parent of a girl...it's uphill from here, I keep telling myself...OMG...I'm just not going to argue...if you talk over me you will miss important information and you will miss out...I have learned that you will not win...just like you will NEVER win an argument with a two year old...NEVER...I will put my foot down when I have too, otherwise I will let the sleeping beast lay...
choclahontas...she's a piece of work...remember Spike Lee? WAKE UP...she's going to be 22 soon...she needs to shit or get off the pot cause I don't take care of grown folk who don't take care of themselves...don't care if you are my kid...

bearmaiden said "I love my mommy"...I do too...she's my sanity, my reality check, my ride or die, my buddy...I don't need a ride or die, I got one...Lord, when God calls her to the big pow wow we are ALL going to need HEAVY medication...for a LONG TIME...

idiot...I've known him since I was 16, I'm 40...24 years...we've been fucking on and off for 19 years...I know him and he knows me...inside out...I hate him and he hates me "I never hated you...believe me" he said the other day...we have decided that we are family...even if we never get back together...we are forever linked...we screamed it out the other day...instead of him getting belligerent (like his kid)and leaving, he stayed...he listened, I listened...he talked and I talked...I, from the bottom of my heart, am encouraging him to make it work with his girlfriend...but she doesn't get him...and being family, no matter how I feel about him, only I can fuck with him and tear him down...nobody else has that right...cause at the end of the day I'm going to build him back up...
sex is always an issue...he's fat bald, with missing teeth and fucked up feet, but for some reason we can't keep off each other...maybe it's familiarity, or comfort...I dont know...but I told him "you want me, I get a big fat ring with a license attached"...it's been too long folks...I can't do it again...the back and forth...AND I'M STICKING BY THAT...
at least I can make his cheap ass pay half the rent and a bill...and I know he won't molest my girls...and his kids are grown and on their own so I don't have to worry bout me having to raise his kids...(even though I raised them)...and I can't get his SS and retirement...lol...

lets be real folk...marriage is never about love, but business...I think that's where folk get fucked up...the "love" thing...if you love someone you enough you enter a legal business deal with them...you can love someone and never marry, but then you can't hold them to shit...

so at the end of the day, I felt peace settle on us...we sat next to each other playing solitaire intermittently on our phones while he watched t.v and I read...after peace settled we stayed that way for about an hour...not talking...till we said simultaneously "I'm hungry"...made food...sat at the table, ate together, then the moment passed...it was time for him to go...I was ready and so was he...

see folk, that's the other thing...even if you marry, dude better have another home...I really don't want to look at you 24/7...poppy always had an "office" he went too "to write"...yeah right, but ok...he escaped and gave bigbear a break...good man...

so are we "working it out"? hell no...do I want to marry him? hell no...am I comfortable with him? yes, I am...do I want to do whats in the best interest of my family? yes I do...MY FAMILY...my kids and his kids and my grandson and soon to be granddaughter...have I grown? yes...has he grown? surprising yes...
so one day at a time...one step at a time...if it's written than so it shall be...

so that's life in a nutshell...I miss yoga...haven't been in two weeks...but I'm walking...I said I'm going to walk four miles at least twice a week...more if I can...I seem to have lost six pounds already...I do feel better and my hair has stopped falling out...

so life goes on...forward ever, backwards never...living life forever a lady...

still here...

my laptop is still not working, and I have to chill a while on my credit card so I haven't bought a new plug/adapter yet...

...the world is going to hell in a hand basket...I have no money (I know, who does) but I'm not stressed...we've been poor before, so it does not scare me...

MMB is almost fourteen, and with that age comes rebellion, story-telling, cutting class...it's hard to talk to her cause she is so belligerent...she interrupts and talks simultaneously...drives me crazy...I chose not to speak to her cause if I do I'ma beat her ass...but I got thru choclahontas and I will get thru her...

there is so much other stuff swirling I can't/don't have the time to sort it out to write...

so later for now...

Play action fake - Columns

very interesting take...hopefully it wont come to pass

Play action fake - Columns

health update...

well folk, I'm healthy as a horse!!!!! no polycystic ovarian syndrome, no diabetes (yea), nothing except i'm in menopause...early, but past peri...so I got birth control pills to regulate and stop the progression at the moment...
I'm happy cause I'm not planning to pop out any more babies!!! and I'm happy cause it's nothing serious...

again quickly....

...my laptop is still out...work is crazy...didn't get to see any kids today with back to back phone calls...which isn't good cause my pay is generated by me seeing kids...what the hell, I'm trying to fill the classroom so they can get over it...

I had a wonderful day yesterday...baby got out the hospital...they were literally holding him hostage...he wasn't wheezing so I don't know what the issue was...well I do know...medicade pays the bill so they were squeezing all they could out of the budget...everyone's feeling the crunch...this hospital just lost a lot of money with the 911 fund being shelved...

but after we picked up chocolate we hooked up with idiot...we did not ride to MD cause I didn't call him the day before (duh, why didn't he call me? but whatever) he overnited whatever money he had to pay...so we hooked up with him, me MMB, choclahontas and their sister disneybarb (whose 17 and pregnant...but she's my babygirl so I'm going to support her decision)...idiot was with the other brother (disneybarbs full brother), I forgot the name I gave him...I think it was sexoffenderken (SOK)...but he's grown and actually calmed down...

so after sexoffenderken finished his physical, nobody wanted to part...I observed the hesitation on all parts so I quickly said "I'm going home to cook"...everyone jumped on it and money was put together and we split into two cars...SOK, idiot, MMB and chocolate going home and me, choclahontas and disneybarb heading to the supermarket...

together we cooked dinner...idiot and I made lamb ribs (only the second time in 24 years that we've cooked together), disneybarb and I made spaghetti, with me teaching her how to make fresh pasta sauce, choclahontas made a cake with a raspberry topping...we all gathered in the kitchen, laughing, joking...MMB's best friend was there as was divacuntbitchken...

we ate, washed dishes...chocolate calling idiot "grandpops" after ignoring idiots repeated attempts to make friends..."hey baby" grandpops said...chocolate has a way of ignoring you..."hi uncle 'sexoffenderken'"...everytime idiot talked to him, chocolate would look at him and then address his uncle...boy kids can make their point...idiot said "so do you think he's mad cause I'm not around?"...uh, yeah...

MMB was happy (locked in her room with calmingponybarbie (you know how they have the pony to calm the racehorses? thats the effect MMB's best friend has on her), choclahontas was cuddled with her daddy, and the siblings were not fighting...

so even if it was just a moment in time, it was beautiful and I will cherish it...disneybarb said later as she was leaving "what a wonderful bonding time we had...thank you and I love you"...that makes it all worthwhile...

so now I'm off to the doctor to get test results...